banking Archives • Bitches Get Riches

6 Lessons YOU Can Learn from the Silicon Valley Bank Crash

March 14, 2023March 14, 2023 Lauren Torres ("Kitty") 11 Comments

When news of the Silicon Valley Bank crash broke, I sighed deeply. Because sighing deeply is the age-appropriate version of a toddler pounding their fists on the floor screaming “I don’ wanna, I don’ wanna, I DON’ WANNA!” That’s always how I feel when I have to understand some complicated new brouhaha caused by oligarchs’ greed, when all I truly need in this life is more naptime.

Guys, don’t worry. Because I am a grown-up woman with finely tuned coping mechanisms, I worked through my tantrum and I did it! I understand what the hell happened to Silicon Valley Bank.

Paragon of intellectual generosity that I am, I’m going to explain it back to you.

If you want an in-depth, technical breakdown, this ain’t gonna be it. I’m going to focus on what this means for us plebs. That means skipping all the boring parts, creatively employing childish metaphors, recklessly speculating about its impact on the future of the economy, and oversimplifying absolutely everything.

Complex, dense financial topics explained by babies, for babies. That’s the Bitches Get Riches brand promise!

How To Get Married: Bureaucracy, Finances, and Legal Paperwork To Do Before “I Do”

June 1, 2021September 9, 2021 Piggy 16 Comments

Every once in a while we Bitches are asked marriage or relationship questions. And it amuses me to no end that we are seen as ADULTS with STABLE MARRIAGES and HEALTHY LIFESTYLES. Because we live in keen awareness that we’re floating slowly down a river of Parmesan cheese straight into the yawning mouth of the Ninth Gate of Death, just like everybody else.

Not that’s it’s necessarily wrong! My marriage with Bear just feels like such a humble, natural thing. How could it possibly be instructional to others? He’s currently listening to a podcast in the shower while I do blog stuff from the couch and I love him so stupidly much.

Yet our loving relationship has much more to do with why we got married than how. Being in love and wanting to spend your life with someone is, sadly, not the only requirement for getting married (common law marriages notwithstanding).

So today I want to talk about the logistics of marriage: the paperwork, the bureaucracy, and the legal gauntlet you must run to get hitched.

In this era of modern romance, it’s pretty common for people to move in together before getting married, even to combine finances or buy property together. We did! That gradual combining of lives makes things pretty painless. But let’s say you’re doing it all at once around the time of the wedding! With that in mind, here’s a list of the steps you need to take to get married… punctuated with gifs from the wedding of John Legend’s dogs.

This is the slippery slope: dogs getting married.

What’s the Difference Between Savings and Checking Accounts, and How Should I Be Using Them?

May 19, 2020January 8, 2022 Lauren Torres ("Kitty") 6 Comments

What Piggy said last week is very true: sometimes we’re so eager to lunge ahead and answer the most complex, interesting questions that we forget to cover the absolute beginner basics. So this week I’m going to take you to church (or, I guess, school) on the difference between savings and checking accounts.

These are the two most common kinds of bank accounts in America. So if you’re new to banking, the first account you get will likely be one of these.

The features of these accounts were very consistent for several decades. But the past few years have changed the dynamics of how we use savings and checking accounts. And as a result, we’re changing our advice on how and what they should be used for. And even those of you who are rock-solid on this topic are going to want to hear that! (We think.)

So let’s get into it!

From HYSAs to CDs, Here’s How to Level Up Your Financial Savings

April 6, 2020January 8, 2022 Piggy 9 Comments

In light of certain global pandemics, financial experts are telling us to prioritize savings over investing at this time. But what does that truly mean? Pulling your money out of the bank and stuffing it in your mattress? Probably not.

We’ve already lectured you on keeping up with inflation and the expense of depreciation—complete with examples from Harry Potter! So our beloved readers know that keeping fat stacks of literal cash in a drawer is a bad idea.

But what can you do to cautiously save your money in a way that will both keep up with inflation and stay safe from the risk of stock market volatility?

Take my hand, children, and I will lead you up a ladder of ever increasing financial savings savviness with the following four savings methods.

Ask the Bitches Pandemic Lightning Round: “Is It Safe To Keep My Money in the Bank?”

March 24, 2020March 18, 2022 Lauren Torres ("Kitty") 7 Comments

Welcome to the Ask the Bitches Pandemic Lightning Round! We’re working around the clock to answer your questions about coronavirus, the impact of quarantine, and the recession of 2020.

Today, we meditate upon the subject of social trust. How safe is it to keep relying on our usual systems and financial institutions?

Of course by “meditate” I mean watch YouTube clips of It’s a Wonderful Life.

We’ll be coming at you fast this week, answering as many urgent questions as we can. If you appreciate the extra effort, we would love a small donation on our Patreon. Thank you!

Join the Bitches on Patreon

The question

“I’m worried the coronavirus will cause enough economic fuckery that it will trigger a massive recession and banks will close due to not having workers. Is it worth it to remove the money in my account? It’s only $400, but it’s all the money I have.”

If all you have is $400, that’s not much to lose. It likely means this question asker is riding very close to insolvency and truly can’t afford to lose that $400 buffer. So I don’t blame them for freaking out!

Not Every Savings Account Is Created Equal

November 16, 2017January 8, 2022 Piggy 15 Comments

When I was but a wee little thing, my mom took me down to the local branch of our regional bank and helped me open a savings account. We deposited my birthday money from Grandma, and I was told in no uncertain terms that I would thenceforth deposit half of my $2 a week allowance into the account (the other half went into the basket at church… a fact about which this apostate is still a little bitter).

Then Mom and the bank clerk told me of the wonders of my new savings account. “It’s a safe place to keep your money while you’re saving up for something like a car!” they said. “Plus, it earns interest.”

Interest, as you know, has the ability to work for you and for the forces of darkness in equal measure. You want your savings and not your debts to earn interest. So having a savings account is a great way to lure the vicious specter of interest to your side of the financial war.

I was all excited to check my balance and see how much interest I’d earned after a few months of dutifully depositing half of my allowance. But alas…

Baby’s first savings account wasn’t accruing jack shit in the way of interest. This is because most brick-and-mortar banks offer savings accounts with dismally uncompetitive interest rates.

I was facing an APY (annual percentage yield) of 0.01%. That’s… almost literally nothing. Which meant my savings weren’t even going to keep up with inflation if I trusted to the false promise that interest would help grow my savings.

Enter the high-yield online savings account.

The high-yield savings account

When Money in the Bank Is a Bad Thing: Understanding Inflation and Depreciation

August 31, 2017June 25, 2021 Lauren Torres ("Kitty") 5 Comments

Here’s a riddle: when is $100 worth $97?

The answer: when you put it in the bank a year ago.

Being frugal and being money-savvy are actually two very different skills. The former requires discipline, planning, and a strong sense of the relative importance of resources. The latter relies more on understanding how to take advantage of existing financial systems, economic regulations, and mathematical quirks.

Think of it this way: a frugal person packs their own lunch, whereas a money-savvy person itemizes it.

Depreciation expense is one of those mathematical quirks. It sounds tricky, but it’s really not! And if you know how depreciation works, you can make it work for you.