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If you think of quilted toilet paper as a small luxury, you are bad at thinking and should be punished.

You Deserve Cheap Toilet Paper, You Beautiful Fucking Moon Goddess

In my short lifetime, I have heard more than one perfectly sensible person tell me they “can’t do” single-ply toilet paper.

Rick knows how I feel.

I don’t know why people tell me these things. It’s like they want me to cry out to Father Dagon and Mother Hydra and bid them raise an army of Deep Ones from the many-columned depths of Y’ha-nthlei to sweep over the land and drown the humans in a cosmic flood as recompense for their innumerable and unpardonable follies.

The average price per square foot of single-ply toilet paper is less than $0.01. The average price per square foot of quilted three-ply toilet paper is closer to $0.03. You have the option to pay three times less for a product that is designed to be immediately thrown away. Why would you not take that option?

If you think of quilted toilet paper as a small luxury, you are bad at thinking and should be punished. If you are willing to pay three times the cost of a basic product for the sake of a luxury, skip the graying $6 steak on sale at the supermarket and go get an $18 marbled beauty from your local butcher. Savor the two-hour process of cooking your dinner and eating it slowly while conversing with a dear friend. Do not—DO NOT—waste the money you earned exchanging a sliver of your one and only lifetime on the paper you will use to swab up the steak on its way back out of your body.

Taste the investment.

“Oooh, but it’s soooooo scraaaatchy!”

Do you have hemorrhoids? Or some kind of dire anal sex injury? Are you cursed with crippling daily diarrhea? Are you getting rimmed tonight for the first time, and you haven’t yet worked through your sense of shame? Are you frenetically scrubbing away for minutes on end, sand-blasting your cornhole, hoping it will shine like polished marble at the end?

… Or do you swipe it thrice across your butthole, immediately throw it in the shit can, and flush it away into infinity in a process that takes about three seconds total? Thomas Paine was right. These really ARE the times that try men’s souls.

“But it’s toooooooo thinnnnnn. I need at least two-pllllyyyyy!”

Internet sleuths have discovered a truly ingenious life hack to tackle this very problem. Why doesn’t everyone know this one cool trick? One word: Monsanto.

“But it’s less absorbeeeennnnt and I end up using morrrrre!”

Ah, this may be true. But consider that if septic systems had mouths, they would smile at you for giving them such an easily digestible treat. (And that would be terrifying.)

Needless destruction.

Perhaps you are still a footloose and fancy-free tampon-flushing renter, and you have never experienced the sting (stink?) of a clogged toilet. The average reported cost of a visit from a plumber for the purpose of repairing a toilet is $191. Reflect upon that fact as you read this classic poem by John Donne:

No pipe is an island,
Entire of itself,
Every pipe is a piece of the septic system,
A part of the main.
If a little rubber washer be washed away by the sea,
Your apartment is the less.
As well as if a couch were.
As well as if a refrigerator of thy friend’s
Or of thine own were:
Any man’s clog diminishes me,
Because I am involved in mankind,
And therefore never send to know for whom the toilet clogs;
It clogs for thee.

“Toilet paper that isn’t white is weeeeeiiird, it’s already brown like poooooooop!”

YOU’RE WEIRD. YOU’RE ALREADY BROWN LIKE POOP.

No one’s life is so devoid of problems that they can afford a color preference on the pulverized wood chips they use to remove feces from their anus.

It is impossible for us to live our lives without disrupting the environment of the planet we live on. Simply the act of trying can be incredibly draining. But if there is an easy, painless decision we can make—as a people—that will lessen that impact without eroding our quality of life, it is indefensible to choose the more destructive option. And luxury brands of toilet paper, of all things, have become incredibly destructive.

This is you. This is all of us.

For the privilege of a once-daily three-second pillowy-soft swish across your glorious anus, 98% of your toilet paper must be harvested from virgin trees; their longer fibers more easily trap the air that is artificially injected to create a sensation of cushioning, which gives American toilet paper a horrendous carbon footprint. Chlorine is then used to bleach the wood fibers, and formaldehyde (a well-documented carcinogen) is applied to increase absorbency. Even if you don’t give a shit about the massive consequences this has for the environment, consider that colorectal cancer almost killed my mother at the ripe old age of 52, and she ain’t alone. I’m absolutely not saying plush toilet paper was the culprit… but it’s more practical than crunchy to avoid smearing unnecessary, costly chemicals on a sensitive body part because a commercial tricked you into thinking you’ve earned it.

“It’s only toilet paperrrrr, why be stinnnnnggyyyyy?”

Look, there are some things you are locked into buying throughout your lifetime. Unless something truly extraordinary occurs, you are locked into paying for food, housing, and some general necessities—including toilet paper—until the day you die. In all likelihood, you will spend thousands of dollars on toilet paper to smear the crap off your poop chute as you rotate around our solar system 70 or 80 some-odd times. It may be a small expense, but it adds up. And you have only so many dollars to spend in your lifetime—aren’t there things you want more?

I'm on a budget.

Froufrou toilet paper is marketed as both a luxury and a necessity. Only one of those things is true. And this statement extends to an enormous array of products marketed to you every single day. Passing over the unnecessary-yet-affordable luxury is excellent practice in choosing how to place your luxury dollars thoughtfully, in a way that will maximize your freedom and happiness.

“But I miss the little paisley daiiiiisy patterns stitched into the quiltiiiinnnng!”

Me too. Truly, only we know the weight of sacrifice.

Here’s more of our curmudgeonly advice on saving money:

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6 thoughts to “You Deserve Cheap Toilet Paper, You Beautiful Fucking Moon Goddess”

  1. When I lived in Zimbabwe for two years from age 19-21 I wish I had had the luxury of single ply toilet paper. Most of the time you couldn’t find toilet paper anywhere and if you could it was so thin you could almost see through it. Luckily all of their toilets are super powerful because most of the time we used news paper (once or twice I remember tearing pages out of a book when there was nothing else). But I did learn that there are a few tricks to using newspaper to wipe with. 1) the glossy paper doesn’t work at all. 2) if you crinkle it up unto a ball then flatten it out a few times before wiping with it it is much softer but will tear easier. 3) make sure to wash your anus and underwear more often cause the ink will die you and your undies. 4) don’t fully understand why but articles and pictures of bad politicians seem to work the best, or are at least the most satisfying to use.

    1. THIS IS SO FASCINATING. I am obsessed with this comment. The ink dyes your undies! I’m dying. Please comment on every post, from now until forever.

  2. I’m that special snowflake who has a chronic fissure, and lives with someone with Ulcerative Colitis. We’ll keep buying the extra soft, we’re sick of bleeding butts.

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