You guys… I have a new favorite book.
Whether you know her from her Invested Development course, her original Dumpster Dog Blog, the many times we’ve quoted her investing know-how here on Bitches Get Riches Dot Com, or her activism against the genocide in Gaza, our dear friend and Amanda Holden is a force to be reckoned with. Which is why when we heard she was publishing her very first book, I was all…
If you’re angling for a promotion or a new job, the best way to showcase your accomplishments and make a case for your worth is by writing a brag sheet.
“Brag sheet?” cry you. “But I am a mindful, demure, and humble team player! How could I ever do anything so gauche and uncouth as bragging??? That would make me appear pompous, full of myself, unworthy of respect or further responsibilities! Why, I would rather languish in an underpaid and overworked position for eternity than to so debase myself by bragging!”
Yes, the operative word in “brag sheet” has a negative connotation. And as much as we all admire humility, when it comes to getting ahead in this cutthroat capitalist job market, you need to banish the idea of humility from your mind. Humble people toil away in obscurity. Braggarts get promotions.
Which is why today we’re going to talk about how to effectively brag your way to the top… with a brag sheet!
Today’s topic is going to make you feel insane. Like you’re literally losing your mind. But I promise we’re not making it all up.
If, as you’re reading along, you find yourself going back over a sentence four or five times just thinking, “that can’t possibly be right,” or even “that has to be a typo, she clearly meant to say something else”… then congrats! You’ve read everything correctly!
Your ability to actually absorb the information I’m about to impart is contingent upon your Mindhunter-like ability to step into the head of a coldblooded psychopath. So c’mon, Clarice, let’s go!
Because of course, today we’re finally getting around to telling you about private equity.
In researching for this article, I read three very helpful books:
Using words like “plunder” and “pillage” when it comes to private equity is pretty apt. For like the viking hordes of old, contemporary private equity plunderers swoop in to take what they want to enrich themselves and leaving what’s left to crumble and burn.
I highly recommend these books if you want a more in-depth explanation of the ills of private equity, leveraged buyouts, and unregulated capitalist practices. This here is an overview. An amuse-bouche of kleptocratic insanity. By contrast, the authors of these books do a much better job than me of not sounding like unhinged weirdos while they present the results of years of rigorous journalistic inquiry.
Just wanted to establish my sources so you know I’m not making this shit up.
I really wish I were.
I will never forget the all-consuming rush of panic I felt when my credit card was declined on my second ever business trip.
I was 23 years old and making $23,000 a year. The company I worked for required that employees pay for business trip travel expenses upfront and submit receipts for reimbursements. Which, for a recent college grad making a laughably small salary was, in hindsight, wildly unethical. I had one single personal credit card—mostly for emergencies—with a limit of $1,500 because again, I was 23 making $23k. And when I checked in to the hotel for a work conference, the desk clerk discreetly and politely informed me that my card had been declined.
I went to my boss (who had no trouble checking in) to ask what I should do and his advice was “Put it on a different credit card.”
Sir. Sir.
Today we’re talking about traveling for work: How to not just survive, but thrive on a business trip. Because man, I really wish someone had given me this advice before I found myself frantically calling my credit card company to raise my credit limit in a random hotel lobby in Sacramento. If I can spare you all the indignities I endured while navigating my first business trip, then I will have passed the test, diminish, and go into the West!
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Today we’re going to talk about a government agency you’ve probably never thought about much before: the Federal Deposit Insurance Corporation. But first, a little family history.
My grandparents went through it.
My grandmother endured a childhood in fascist Italy during World War II. At 12, she passed Nazi soldiers carrying supplies for the Italian resistance in her bike basket. She nearly starved on a diet of yogurt, carrots, and eggs, and she saw her neighbors murdered in the street.
When she grew up she met an American soldier on leave in Rome—my grandfather. He was a light-skinned mixed race man who grew up poor in the deep South. When he was 18, his teeth were kicked out in a fight when his black school’s football team beat the white school. After the army, he chose to pass as white for the rest of his life.
So you can see why these two were exceedingly cautious about most things. Their lived experiences didn’t exactly breed trust in the wider world!
Even so, they were convinced to invest in the stock market in the 1960s… without fully understanding it. The first time the market hit a major downturn, they watched their investments plummet, panicked, and pulled what was left of their money out of the market. Nonna and Papi swore off investing forever after that.
Instead, they put all of their money in an FDIC-insured bank account. When that account reached the maximum insured amount… they opened another account at another bank. And another. And another.
By the time my grandfather died at age 94, they had saved over a million dollars, scattered across multiple banks. It was a massive headache for my dad and his siblings to run around finding, consolidating, and organizing the accounts to secure elder care for my grandmother.
This little family fable holds an important lesson about money management. So today we’re going to discuss what my darling grandparents got wrong about the FDIC, what they could’ve done differently, and why I don’t blame them at all for the choices they made. Andiamo!
Friends, we’ve written a lot about consumerism and buying stuff recently. From our five secrets of secondhand shopping to our epic grocery store price comparison investigation… we’ve really belabored the subject.
And who could blame us? With inflation, price-gouging, planned obsolescence, and tariffs making everything from basic necessities to tech more expensive, shopping has been a huge part of our personal finance calculations recently.
But we need to move on. The people demand a robust and variegated content schedule from your humble Bitches! So here is the master list of everything we’ve written on how to buy stuff—frugally, ethically, and with more sense than god gave a grapefruit.
More than a few readers have asked us a variation of this question: “why save for retirement when the world is on fire?” In fact, they’ve asked often enough that we decided to dust off the ol’ podcast and address the doomerism head-on.
We try to keep things light around here. Or rather, we try to lighten up the dark times with a liberal application of 90s pop culture gifs and dick jokes.* For the most part, we’re successful! If we can give you a sensible chuckle or a hearty snort-laugh while you’re reading about the racism and classism inherent in the credit scoring industry, then we consider it a job well done.
But there’s no denying that right now… shit’s bleak.
A handful of our followers have therefore asked us some variation on a concerning theme: If everything’s going to hell in a hand basket, why should I even bother saving for a future retirement that won’t exist?
Like I said: bleak.
We’re happy to have an opportunity to show off our rarely-glimpsed optimistic sides. These times are unprecedented—but they’re also super precedented. History is brimming with excellent guides for surviving turbulent times, and we can learn from them how to brace ourselves and protect what’s important. It’s a conversation worth tuning in for, even if you’re feeling more hopeful about the future.
*Bitches Get Riches: It’s not just dick jokes about money… it’s also money jokes about dicks!
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Back in the Before Times, we published an article titled Ethical Consumption: How to Pollute the Planet and Exploit Labor Slightly Less. Since then, times have, uh… changed! Because tariffs!
And while much of our advice on ethical consumption still holds true, today I’m going to be revisiting that advice. My goal is to shine a light on how we should all approach shopping during The Stupidest Trade War while still maintaining our morals and savings rates.
We really know how to have fun here, don’t we?
Let’s kick things off with a question from a follower called Blossom:
Hi Auntie Bitches! I have a question regarding an impasse of ethics and finances, so of course I figured you’d be the experts!
I live in the USA, and absolutely hate the direction things are headed in. I’m inspired by hearing that Canada and a ton of countries in Europe are boycotting absolutely everything American made. This is genius because the only way to hurt the greedy pricks at the top is to hurt their bottom lines.
I really want to join in and buy as few goods that are made in the states as possible. However, I also live here and my household budget is already pretty tight. With this ridiculous trade war going on, imported goods will become even more costly.
I’m stuck between a possibly unlivable budget if fully switching to goods that aren’t made here; or being a tad more financially sound but forced to feed the fascism machine by using American goods.
Please, I’d love some advice on how to navigate this?
– Blossom, alert citizen of Bitch Nation
Blossom is clearly paying attention. We couldn’t be more proud of them for considering activism in the face of personal hardship. We should all be more like Blossom.
But I think there’s a fundamental flaw in how they’re approaching the problem. Nevertheless, I think we can come to a solution that does the least amount of harm to Blossom’s bottom line… while still supporting the changes they want to see. Let’s unpack that!
Back when I lived in a hippie commune with approximately 9 humans and 37 dogs, I biked to the library on a regular basis. It was an easy way to keep myself in reading material without spending all of my meager paycheck on books.
As I was leaving one day, I asked one of my roommates if she wanted me to pick up anything at the library for her. Her response: “Is it free?”
Is it free? Is it free?
Let’s pretend for a minute that it’s not completely weird and unbelievable that an adult human being could grow up in LeVar Burton’s United States of America without ever having learned the first thing (literally, the very first thing) about the public library. Let’s also set aside the fact that this particular person was an English major! I’ll just state, definitively and for the record:
Yes, the library is free, you darling fool. But it might not be for much longer. Let’s get into it.
It shouldn’t cost $64 to change a lightbulb.
Yet that was the quote they gave me when I took my 10-year-old Volkswagen Golf to the dealership for service. Along with another $4,824.56 in repairs of varying urgency. I met this estimate with cool and queenly disdain, declined the repairs, and left with an oil change on the house. (They knew what they did)
Because I know I can get my car repaired for cheaper! Like… way cheaper! All it requires is a little time, elbow grease, and good sense.
What some dealerships and mechanics charge for car repairs is, frankly, obscene. But it doesn’t have to be that way. Today I’m going to talk about my recent experience with the service department of a car dealership and explain, step by step, how I went on to pay significantly less for car repairs outside the dealership… and how you can too.
Gird you loins, people. It’s about to get reeeeeeal fuckin’ spiteful up in here.