I Have Become the Rich Relative I Always Wanted

After nearly nine years of living on top of a dungeon, I’m turning it into a palace. That’s right, kids: we’re finishing the basement!

And it’s going to be sick. There’s going to be a bathroom fit for a queen*, a veritable Shangri-La of a bedroom-cum-sitting-room, acres upon acres of well-organized cabinetry and shelving for storage, built-in bookshelves the likes of which Trinity College can only dream, and a laundry room—a laundry room! Try to contain your jealousy.

Doubling the livable space in my home is obviously costing Bear and I a pretty penny. But we think it’s worth it. Because it’s not just for us. We’re spending loads of money to turn our basement into an affordable apartment for someone we love.

*Only because Kitty picked out the tiles.

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Season 4, Episode 2: “We’re Moving in Together but Don’t Plan To Get Married. How Can We Split Finances Fairly?”

Raise your hand if you’ve ever cohabitated with a romantic partner… and you didn’t put a ring on it.

I thought so, you sinful heathens. Say ten Hail Suzes and sin no more!

Moving in with a romantic partner—or even just a friend—and splitting finances is a rite of passage. But how do you navigate that relationship with caution and respect? Is there a right way or a wrong way to split finances? And what if you [gasp!] break up?!?!?

On the podcast this week, we talk about our own experience splitting finances with each other and with romantic partners over the years as we answer a question from a listener who is moving in with their partner with no intention of getting married or combining bank accounts. Enjoy this little glimpse into Bitch history as we wax nostalgic about the days when we could share groceries… and shoes.

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The Rent Is Too Damn High: The Affordable Housing Crisis, Explained

Years ago I was a renter. It was… fine? Every year my rent went up. But I also wasn’t responsible for major plumbing or any complicated shit like that.

Then my husband Bear suggested we really needed to stop renting and buy a place. Which sounded super responsible and adult and I wanted no part of it. We argued. It was very romantic.

Around the same time, there was this politician who ran for mayor of New York City. His name was Jimmy McMillan and he started a brand new political party: The Rent Is Too Damn High Party. His slogan? “The rent is too damn high.” You gotta admire the straightforward simplicity.

And as our rent was raised yet again, I thought… he’s right! The rent is too damn high. And it’s only getting higher.

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You Deserve Cheap Toilet Paper, You Beautiful Moon Goddess

You Deserve Cheap Toilet Paper, You Beautiful Moon Goddess

In my short lifetime, I have heard more than one perfectly sensible person tell me they “can’t do” cheap toilet paper.

Rick knows how I feel.

I don’t know why people tell me these things.

It’s like they want me to cry out to Father Dagon and Mother Hydra and bid them raise an army of Deep Ones from the many-columned depths of Y’ha-nthlei to sweep over the land and drown the humans in a cosmic flood as recompense for their innumerable and unpardonable follies.

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25 Tricks to Cool Your Home WITHOUT Air Conditioning

25 Tricks to Stay Cool WITHOUT Air Conditioning

It’s tough to stay cool without air conditioning these days—and it seems that it’s only going to get harder.

This year has brought some truly terrible news about climate change. Rather than brooding sleeplessly over it, or ineffectually shaking my fist at the greedy few who bear the most responsibility for ruining our cute little planet, I’m trying to be zen n’ shit! Gotta focus on the things I can control, and take whatever pragmatic steps are within my ability to take.

… But if you are Doing A Beheading, please invite me.

My solution to climate change!

Today we’re sharing our best strategies for cooling your home without air conditioning. If you’re reading this during the cold months, you’ve come to the wrong place. But you are adjacent to the right place, Because we have an article with all our best heat-conserving tips as well:

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5 Lies About DIYing I'm Seriously Sick of Hearing

5 Lies About DIYing I’m Seriously Sick of Hearing

Today we’re covering a subject near to my heart. Too near to my heart. Like a clogged aortic valve that’s ready to blow. It’s lies about DIYing!

This is a subject I’ve been dying to set the record straight on. Because the internet is busting at the seams with of lying liars and the lie-ful lies they lyingly lie.

Most beautifulest table.

Let me start off by asking you a question: do you like this table? Of course you do! It’s beautiful as shit. I made it myself and it only cost me $29.

(…Or did it?)

I found this poor wretch on Craigslist. It had a crust of chipping chalkboard paint—because apparently there are people who like to dine to a soundtrack of plates scraping across a blackboard?! Underneath, it was solid wood, sturdily constructed, fully disassemblable, and priced to sell at only $25. Like the conventionally attractive nerd in an early 90s movie, it only needed its glasses lifted off to become beautiful.

After sanding the old paint off, I took some glossy white paint I had leftover from another project and applied it to the legs. Then I stained the tabletop with a $4 can of Minwax stain obtained on clearance from my local hardware store. The result is a beautiful handcrafted table that you’d never know cost $29!

There’s only one catch…

I lied.
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Dafuq Is a Down Payment? And Why Do You Need One to Buy Stuff?

Dafuq Is a Down Payment? And Why Do You Need One to Buy Stuff?

“What is a down payment?” In an ideal world, no one would need to ask themselves this question because no one would need one! Expensive things like cars and houses and college educations would be a lot more affordable. Enough so that we could pay for them with the money that we already have. And we’d all have mountains of it.

But unless you have a Scrooge McDuckian money vault at your disposal, buying a car or house or bachelor’s degree in cash is probably impossible. Down payments are necessary because of how our world works. Today we’re going to teach you what they are, when you need them, and how to use them to your advantage.

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Master the Logistics and Etiquette of Moving Out

On a recent episode of the award-winning highly acclaimed scandalous homoerotic merely adequate “moms love it!” Bitches Get Riches podcast, we discussed how to get your first apartment.

It’s an exciting time! You’re moving into your very own place, getting one of your very first Adulthood Merit Badges!

But what do you do when your time in that first apartment comes to an end? In short, how do you handle moving out?

As tempting as it might be to toss the keys over your shoulder and just walk the fuck away, there is definitely an etiquette for moving out.

Don't be like Kermit's evil doppleganger when moving out.

For one thing, it’s best to leave on good terms with your landlord, as you’ll likely need them to be a good reference for another apartment later on. Plus, you really want them to return your security deposit. And that means making your exit from the apartment with all the grace and aplomb of a Shakespearean actor leaving the stage.

(Exit, pursued by bear.)

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S2 E5: "What do I need to know about moving into my first apartment?"

Season 2, Episode 5: “What Do I Need to Know about Moving into My First Apartment?”

It is Bitches Get Riches canon that Kitty and I met when we were randomly assigned roommates freshman year of college. We bonded through the adversity of cohabiting in a forced triple with an infuriating third party who shall forever remain nameless. The two of us shared a bunkbed and ceded one entire half of the room to that creature’s baffling habits and excessive belongings. I won’t go into it except to quote General William Tecumseh Sherman: “War is hell.”

Yet BGR lore rarely tells the end of the story! For after that fateful freshman year, we went on to rent our first apartment together, taking our roommateship to the next level. Nothing tests a friendship like shopping for a shower curtain together.

We survived our fourth-floor walkup with its busted dollhouse dishwasher and coffin-like shower. But more importantly, our friendship survived.

And thus, we feel uniquely qualified to dispense advice on Baby’s First Apartment!

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The Real Story of How I Paid Off My Mortgage Early in 4 Years

The Real Story of How I Paid off My Mortgage Early in 4 Years

As of fifteen minutes (and one very cold beer) ago, I officially own the beautiful house I’m sitting in right now.

That’s right: I paid off my mortgage early.

My partner and I have been refreshing our mortgage account every few hours today, waiting for the final payment to process. (Weirdly, you have to WIRE the final payment. Seriously? After this years-long relationship of sending personal check after personal check, our mortgage lender refuses to trust us at the finish line? Fine, whatever…) Just before the close of the day, it happened.

Look! I paid off my mortgage early!

Current principal balance: $0.00.

$0.00.

My mortgage is gone. I am done paying rent. I paid off my mortgage early. If all things go according to plan, I will never ever pay rent again for as long as I live. Let’s talk about it!

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