Stop. I know you read this title and attempted to turn and flee back out the door. I anticipated this and caught you by the back of your shirt. We need to talk about this now.
If you’re reading this blog, you’re likely Millennial or Gen Z. They’re the largest pie slice of animal lovers—one in three owns a pet. And our attitudes about pets are really intense. Half of us describe loving them more than our own mothers. And all of those pets are doing the absolute worst thing any pet can do: getting old without us.
You likely won’t have experience with being solely, directly responsible for managing a living being’s decline and death. So we’re going to explain what’s gonna happen, and give you our very best insights.
I promise to make this discussion as brief, honest, and detached as possible. We’ve written maudlin tear-jerkers about pets before, and I swear this won’t be one of those. But this is a subject that’s sadly present for both of us right now. Life’s given us lemons recently; this guide will be the lemonade. We want to give some guidance to the people who will one day face the same challenge, so they can feel prepared. All of this advice comes straight from our hearts.
At the end, there’s a handy checklist for your convenience. If you do everything on it, you’ll be as ready as you can be for the end of your pet’s life. Many of them are actions you can start taking long before your pet gets grey around the muzzle, so don’t put off reading it.
This article was originally written when Jess and I were both navigating the end of a pet’s life. Life simultaneously gave us lemons; this guide was the lemonade we offered to you! Because this has remained one of our most shared articles of all time, we’ve decided to present it again in both audio and video formats, to make it as accessible as possible. It has been lightly expanded since its original publication, integrating some great comments and feedback we got from readers, including both pet owners and veterinary professionals.
If you’re one of the wealthy, powerful, litigious people I’m about to cast in a not-so-favorable light, welcome!Congratulations on all your success! I urge you to note our (laughably tiny) total number of YouTube subscribers and reflect upon this Wikipedia article before deciding to make a whole thing about it.
CEOs aren’t so popular right now. To prove this, I can give you statistics on how much the American public hates them—they really, really do—or I can just ask you to remember the moment when UnitedHealthcare CEO Brian Thompson was killed.
He was assassinated in cold blood, on a public street, in broad daylight. And the public didn’t mourn it—they celebrated it. Reactions to the news ranged from contemptuous indifference to sadistic glee. Many people view his alleged killer, Luigi Mangione, far more sympathetically than they did Thompson. The prosecutors in that case believe there’s a serious risk that the jury may rule in Mangione’s favor. Not because he didn’t do it—but because they understand why he did it.
And it’s not just healthcare CEOs. Wesley LePatner was the CEO of Blackstone’s Real Estate Investment Trust. They’re a private equity giant headed by Lehman Brothers alumni specialized in buying up real estate in the midst of our ongoing housing crisis. When she was shot and killed in her Manhattan office, there was some excitement online that she may have been targeted for this reason. As it turns out, she appears to have been an unlucky casualty of a gunman who wanted to terrorize different executives. But there is clearly an appetite for violence against people in business leadership.
And that appetite is growing. People who scrape by on less than $50K a year hate CEOs about three times as much as middle-class folks. And since joblessness is rising and wages have stagnated, the number of low-income people is growing, and so presumably is hatred of CEOs.
Now, I don’t blame people one bit for loathing CEOs. I think their rage is pretty logical. When my parents were born, a CEO earned about 20 times more than their workers. They now pay themselves 630 times more. CEOs have been talking out of both sides of their mouths, bragging about record-breaking quarters while wringing their hands when employees beg for really basic shit like a full headcount. They’re yanking back work-from-home opportunities, which they hypocritically still grant to themselves. They’ve gone all-in on AI designed to make their own workforce obsolete. They’ve kissed the ring of fascists… with tongue. And many work harder to cultivate a mythologized public image than to actually do good, and they get all pissy when people notice they’re full of shit.
All of this stirs up a question in my mind: does it have to be this way?
Do all CEOs have to be bloodsucking assholes? Are anger and hatred inevitable trade-offs for wealth and power? Or is it possible for one enterprising person to start a great American business and get rich without exploiting their customers and/or workers along the way?
And if so, where are they? What’s happened to the good CEOs? Did King Haggard bid the Red Bull to gather them up and drive them into the sea? Because I can’t find them!
I’m asking this question because it feels like America’s bench of heroes is running very thin. And—spoiler alert—I do think it’s possible for good CEOs to exist. We need them now more than ever. But I think they’re being driven to the brink of extinction by a dangerous group of people you need to know more about.
Luckily for me, there’s a crystal clear example happening right now now, in my local news. It’s gonna give me a great opportunity to illustrate the systemic pressures driving good people out of leadership roles in business. And luckily for you, it’s also juicy and fascinating family drama.
Our Patreon donors get to vote on what we write about, and in their infinite wisdom, they selected the topic of severance packages.
I wish I could pepper this with lots of puns on Severance, the show. But I can’t, because I’m not watching it. Sorry, Severance stans—it’s not personal! I refuse to participate in any more mystery box media until it’s concluded AND the conclusion is well received by its fans. It’s for my own protection. The mystery box train usually only goes to two destinations: Cancellation City, or the Incorporated Township of Wasting My Time. I will no longer let myself scrounge for crumbs of satisfaction in a show-runner’s AMA responses as part of the ten-year retrospective. Call me when it’s over and the last season netted an 8.0 average or better on IMDB, Ben Stiller!
Let’s hang the concept of severance packages on a classic good news, bad news framework!
The bad news? You’ve been laid off. Y’know, dismissed? Let go? Made redundant? Fired—out of a cannon, straight into the sun? No matter the euphemism, the result is the same. The kingdom has shut its gates to you, and your descendants will be cursed to toil in the wilderness, filling their bellies with dust.
The good news? You might have an extra paycheck or two coming your way.
Around 25% of employers offer severance pay, making it neither common nor uncommon. It’s a benefit that’s typically reserved for white collar employees, or those who work specifically on the corporate side of major retailers and service providers. And if you think that sounds classist—good! It is! You’ve been paying attention!
If you already know your industry/field/role doesn’t offer this perk, or if you’re not employed right now, you may take this period as an open study hall.
Did you think I was done? Never! I’m the Saiyan warrior of personal finance writers. If a topic brings me to the brink of total annihilation, it only makes me more powerful. The positive response to that video was the senzu bean I needed to bounce back with even more cheap grocery shopping wisdom. To our new readers: welcome. To our new Patreon donors: thank you.
Many readers lamented that they live far away from the stores featured in my investigation. With them in mind, I challenged myself to come up with some really juicy, delicious advice that could apply to everyone who shops for food. And I think I’ve managed to do just that.
Today’s advice is universal. These are *cosmic truths* about grocery shopping. They will save you money on food, no matter what you buy or where you shop. If rising food prices are a source of stress in your life—as they are in mine!—I promise you’ll learn something helpful.
I chose this topic because I’m worried. Terrible times are ahead. We’ve been writing a lot about politics—and we’ll keep doing so—but it can feel like scream-preaching to the void-choir. We’ve been wracking our brains to come up with nourishing, material strategies to help our followers through the lean times ahead.
Right now, all I want is to give you guys an easy win. If I could use my time and talents to help you folks save $20 a month, I’d be good with that. Groceries are something we all must buy in order to live. So I opened a small investigation comparing prices at a few local grocery stores.
My “small investigation” became the most time- and labor-intensive topic I’ve ever covered for Bitches Get Riches.
This investigation hauled me bodily to the summit of my abilities, then cast me down the mountainside of my own ambition into a boiling, stinking chasm of magmatic insanity.
Do you want to save $20 a month? I’m positive I can help you do it. But there’s a price to be paid. You’ll have to come with me on a journey. A journey from the worst grocery stores in America, all the way to the best.
Casual visitors, turn back! You don’t need to notice deceptive unit pricing at our nation’s largest budget retailers! You can spend your whole life not caring about the product-to-price ratio of frozen pizzas! Swallow the blue pill and sleep forever in ignorant bliss. I don’t judge you; I envy you.
But if you really want to save money on groceries, take a deep breath. Take my hand. Trust me.
One night, after I’d already been writing Bitches Get Riches for many years, I awoke in a cold sweat, gripped with the sudden realization that I had an incredibly comprehensive resignation checklist… but I’d never actually writtenit down.
It was the height of the post-pandemic “Great Resignation.” Millions of Americans were walking away from their jobs. And I’d been selfishly sitting on a list of ways to bleed said companies dry before peaceing out and driving off into the sunset.
I recognize that this constitutes a top ten anime betrayal.
許してくれ。
The thing is… I’d been daydreaming about leaving my job for years. These plans had been a part of me for so long that I kinda forgot they were plans at all. Like, I don’t necessarily notice my own breathing. Why would I notice something equally natural and reflexive: constructing elaborate fantasies about leaving corporate America forever?
Planning to quit ahead of time is a great advantage. Not everyone gets it. In most states, people can be fired suddenly, for no reason. Other people need to leave their job abruptly because of absolutely untenable issues like workplace safety or harassment. Those people do not have the luxury of planning a soft landing for themselves.
But if you’re planning to quit voluntarily, you can do what they cannot. You can be strategic. Y’know, like Light Yagami eating potato chips! And in doing so, you can extract a ton of value back from your employer and/or your government before you go.
I quit my job and retired forever in 2022. As my final date approached, I systematically went through this list myself. It saved me thousands of dollars. It also prevented a lot of logistical headaches for my future self. Which was important, because I wanted to set her up with a low stress post-job lifestyle. Listening to the hold music for the COBRA continuation assistance hotline was not on my retirement vision board!
This article was originally published upon my retirement. It jumped immediately into our top-ten most popular list, and has stayed there pretty much ever since. Now that we’ve branched into audio and video formats, I’m sharing it again, along with a few new ideas generated by our amazing Patrons and readers.
Please enjoy this, my ultimate resignation checklist…
Okay okay, that’s enough pleasantries. I’m worked up.
A while back, I read an article about queer teens being thrown out of their homes by unsupportive families. It had a lot of advice that sounded pretty good on the surface. Talk to your teachers and guidance counselors! Pursue legal emancipation! Seek therapy!
“Bah,” I scoffed through a mouthful of Babybel cheese. “Amateurs! Someone needs to write a real guide. Someone who actually knows what it’s like!”
And I was too busy playing with that weird red wax to remember I was exactly that person.
I left home when I was a junior in high school. The reasons were complicated and sad. Suffice to say I was driven to find physical and psychological safety I wasn’t getting at home.
Everything worked out for me. I got lucky and landed on my feet. Did I pick up a few psychological scars from the experience? Yes—but they added to my roguish charm! The thing is, I went into it completely blind. Which isn’t the best strategy. Sorta like throwing yourself down a mountain and hoping you learn to ski on the way down. (Also a thing I did once. How am I alive???)
In my experience, most of the advice for young people in this situation is insufficient—and a bunch of it is fucking delusional. Today’s article is a guide that I wish I could’ve read when I was a kid.
This is an updated, expanded version of an article we first published in 2019. I think it’s one of the most important things I’ve ever written, and it’s one of the most popular articles in the long and storied history of Bitches Get Riches. I’ve added a bunch of new stuff, including advice for older, stable folks who want to reach back down the ladder and help others climb up.
It’s finally time to talk about Anti-Goblin Mode: my secret holy grail technique for conquering executive dysfunction in my home, my work, and my life in general.
I’ve never written about it before. It seemed too personal and too silly to share. But since I discovered it, I’ve used it nearly every day of my life—and the transformation has been permanent and incredible. And as our patrons demanded an article on becoming organized, its time has come!
One of the best pieces of general life advice I’ve ever received is this: never ask a natural talent to be your teacher. If they came out of the womb composing piano sonatas, don’t ask them to teach you piano! They literally don’t understand the experience of not knowing what they know! This holds true in organization, too. I find that most “organizational systems” were written by people with a natural talent for organization. Y’know—monsters who can keep a white rug clean. Their advice shouldn’t be trusted. Instead, the best teachers are people who struggled and persevered in the face of mediocrity.
On this point, I’m happy to attest that neither nature nor nurture set me up to be an organized person. I grew up the undiagnosed ADHD child of an undiagnosed ADHD parent who was also a hoarder! That means I’ve earned my organized life valiantly, on the battlefield.
So how? How did I become an organized person? I’m happy to tell you it’s not rigid, or complicated, or super philosophical, or time-consuming. I developed a gameto help me do it. It’s very simple, but it’s transformed my life for the better. And I hope it might help you too.
Today, we’re revisiting a classic BGR about money, freedom, and The Shawshank Redemption. This extravagantly tangential ramble is definitely a reader favorite! It was one of our first ever written, and remains one of our most popular articles of all time. We’ve revised and expanded it with some brand new sections that feel really important. We’ve also included options to listen to video and audio versions as well. Enjoy!
What you’re about to see is pretty graphic.
Because today I’m going to torture a metaphor to death.
I’m sure it’ll be hard to hear. At times, it was hard to write!
I was almost at the point of walking away from the whole concept for this topic when I heard John 3:16 ringing in my memory: “For Kitty so loved the world, that she gave one of her favorite movies, that whosoever believeth in her should not go broke, but have eternal cash.”
Today I’m going to explain some of the most foundational ideas in personal finance philosophy. These are the concepts that underpin everything that we talk about here at Bitches Get Riches. About…
The purpose of money.
The value of labor.
The dangers of exploitation.
The systemic injustices that entrench power imbalances within financial systems.
And what YOU can do to free yourself from its grasp.
We’re gonna talk about all of that. But because that sounds BORING, we’re going to talk about it through something that is NOT boring, which is The Shawshank Redemption.
If you have not seen The Shawshank Redemption, I have three questions for you.
The first question: are you some kind of Alexandreeey Dumbass?
The second question: how? Logistically, how is it possible you haven’t seen The Shawshank Redemption? How did you get from 1997 to the present without watching cable television during daylight hours? Because if were you never home sick, eating Campbell’s Chunky Chicken Noodle and Club Crackers with TNT on in the background, I don’t understand how you got here.
The third question: why are you watching this and not The Shawshank Redemption? Pause this, and go to 321freemovies.russia.info or wherever the hell we’re getting movies these days, and go watch it first.
Only after you’ve done so are you allowed to return here and continue on. One hundred and forty-two minutes of narration by Ellis “Red” Redding (Morgan Freeman) is the necessary prep work you need to open your heart and expand your mind.
Something tells me that many of our readers are contemplating political campaign donations right about now. Don’t ask me how I know this. Because I really couldn’t say!
Maybe it’s just my woman’s intuition! Which is definitely not a conditioned hypersensitivity to threatening nonverbal communication under the patriarchy, but cool evolution magic that heightens with my ~*fertility cycle!*~
(Wait, is this really my first time using a Devil’s Advocate gif? How can this be, when I have a passionate lifelong obsession with this high camp masterpiece?! Okay, okay… if Kamala Harris wins in 2024, I will remake Bitches Get Riches into a Devil’s Advocate fan blog. And if Donald Trump wins, I will remake Bitches Get Riches into a Devil’s Advocate fan blog. Either way, it will be called A Billion Eddie Barzoons All Jogging Into the Future dot Blogspot dot com.)*
I know we say “the stakes have never been higher” every single election year, but it keeps feeling accurate. Our readers are passionate about the issues and they want to know: does donating to political campaigns actually work? Can it make a candidate more likely to win? Is it worth the sacrifice, if money is already tight?
We’ll do our best to give you some objective perspective! Hoo-ah!
Non-U.S. readers: This advice is framed through my American perspective, but I think the broader take is valuable for anyone who lives in a voting democracy. I would love to get a few international perspectives in the comments!
