To Hell and Back for Cheap Groceries

To Hell and Back for Cheap Groceries: The Epic Investigation (and Shocking Results) of My Grocery Store Price Comparison Quest

Lauren Torres ("Kitty") 60 Comments

Today, I’m talking about grocery store prices.

I chose this topic because I’m worried. Terrible times are ahead. We’ve been writing a lot about politics—and we’ll keep doing so—but it can feel like scream-preaching to the void-choir. We’ve been wracking our brains to come up with nourishing, material strategies to help our followers through the lean times ahead.

Right now, all I want is to give you guys an easy win. If I could use my time and talents to help you folks save $20 a month, I’d be good with that. Groceries are something we all must buy in order to live. So I opened a small investigation comparing prices at a few local grocery stores.

My “small investigation” became the most time- and labor-intensive topic I’ve ever covered for Bitches Get Riches.

This investigation hauled me bodily to the summit of my abilities, then cast me down the mountainside of my own ambition into a boiling, stinking chasm of magmatic insanity.

Do you want to save $20 a month? I’m positive I can help you do it. But there’s a price to be paid. You’ll have to come with me on a journey. A journey from the worst grocery stores in America, all the way to the best.

Casual visitors, turn back! You don’t need to notice deceptive unit pricing at our nation’s largest budget retailers! You can spend your whole life not caring about the product-to-price ratio of frozen pizzas! Swallow the blue pill and sleep forever in ignorant bliss. I don’t judge you; I envy you.

But if you really want to save money on groceries, take a deep breath. Take my hand. Trust me.

We’re going to hell and back for cheap groceries.

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The Library is a Magical Place and You Should Fucking Go There

The Library Is a Magical Place and You Should Fucking Go There

Jess Fickett ("Piggy") 48 Comments

Back when I lived in a hippie commune with approximately 9 humans and 37 dogs, I biked to the library on a regular basis. It was an easy way to keep myself in reading material without spending all of my meager paycheck on books.

As I was leaving one day, I asked one of my roommates if she wanted me to pick up anything at the library for her. Her response: “Is it free?”

Is it free? Is it free?

Let’s pretend for a minute that it’s not completely weird and unbelievable that an adult human being could grow up in LeVar Burton’s United States of America without ever having learned the first thing (literally, the very first thing) about the public library. Let’s also set aside the fact that this particular person was an English major! I’ll just state, definitively and for the record:

Yes, the library is free, you darling fool. But it might not be for much longer. Let’s get into it.

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The Resignation Checklist: 25 Sneaky Ways To Bleed Your Employer Dry Before Quitting

The Resignation Checklist: 25 Sneaky Ways To Bleed Your Employer Dry Before Quitting

Lauren Torres ("Kitty") 34 Comments

One night, after I’d already been writing Bitches Get Riches for many years, I awoke in a cold sweat, gripped with the sudden realization that I had an incredibly comprehensive resignation checklist… but I’d never actually written it down.

It was the height of the post-pandemic “Great Resignation.” Millions of Americans were walking away from their jobs. And I’d been selfishly sitting on a list of ways to bleed said companies dry before peaceing out and driving off into the sunset.

I recognize that this constitutes a top ten anime betrayal.

許してくれ。

I'm so sorry I didn't write this resignation checklist sooner!!

The thing is… I’d been daydreaming about leaving my job for years. These plans had been a part of me for so long that I kinda forgot they were plans at all. Like, I don’t necessarily notice my own breathing. Why would I notice something equally natural and reflexive: constructing elaborate fantasies about leaving corporate America forever?

Planning to quit ahead of time is a great advantage. Not everyone gets it. In most states, people can be fired suddenly, for no reason. Other people need to leave their job abruptly because of absolutely untenable issues like workplace safety or harassment. Those people do not have the luxury of planning a soft landing for themselves.

But if you’re planning to quit voluntarily, you can do what they cannot. You can be strategic. Y’know, like Light Yagami eating potato chips! And in doing so, you can extract a ton of value back from your employer and/or your government before you go.

I quit my job and retired forever in 2022. As my final date approached, I systematically went through this list myself. It saved me thousands of dollars. It also prevented a lot of logistical headaches for my future self. Which was important, because I wanted to set her up with a low stress post-job lifestyle. Listening to the hold music for the COBRA continuation assistance hotline was not on my retirement vision board!

This article was originally published upon my retirement. It jumped immediately into our top-ten most popular list, and has stayed there pretty much ever since. Now that we’ve branched into audio and video formats, I’m sharing it again, along with a few new ideas generated by our amazing Patrons and readers.

Please enjoy this, my ultimate resignation checklist…

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How To Save Money With Affordable Car Repairs

Jess Fickett ("Piggy") 13 Comments

It shouldn’t cost $64 to change a lightbulb.

Yet that was the quote they gave me when I took my 10-year-old Volkswagen Golf to the dealership for service. Along with another $4,824.56 in repairs of varying urgency. I met this estimate with cool and queenly disdain, declined the repairs, and left with an oil change on the house. (They knew what they did)

Because I know I can get my car repaired for cheaper! Like… way cheaper! All it requires is a little time, elbow grease, and good sense.

What some dealerships and mechanics charge for car repairs is, frankly, obscene. But it doesn’t have to be that way. Today I’m going to talk about my recent experience with the service department of a car dealership and explain, step by step, how I went on to pay significantly less for car repairs outside the dealership… and how you can too.

Gird you loins, people. It’s about to get reeeeeeal fuckin’ spiteful up in here.

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{ MASTERPOST } Everything You Need To Know About Taxes

Jess Fickett ("Piggy") 2 Comments

It’s that time again! The Ides of April approacheth. Time to pay the piper, render under Caesar what is Caesar’s, and pay your dues, for there is nothing sure in the world save death and our topic for the day.

Yes, that’s right: It’s officially tax season yet again. RUDE.

Over the years we’ve covered many aspects of taxes—from how to file them for free to what to do if you fuck ’em up. So today I’m gathering all our scintillating tax season advice together in one place. For no matter how little money you make, nor how full of moths your wallet, the tax man comes for us all.

Taxes are based on your income, not how much you've managed to save. Just FYI.
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How to Leave Home Before 18

How to Leave Home Before 18

Lauren Torres ("Kitty") 19 Comments

Hi, everyone!

Okay okay, that’s enough pleasantries. I’m worked up.

A while back, I read an article about queer teens being thrown out of their homes by unsupportive families. It had a lot of advice that sounded pretty good on the surface. Talk to your teachers and guidance counselors! Pursue legal emancipation! Seek therapy!

“Bah,” I scoffed through a mouthful of Babybel cheese. “Amateurs! Someone needs to write a real guide. Someone who actually knows what it’s like!”

And I was too busy playing with that weird red wax to remember I was exactly that person.

I left home when I was a junior in high school. The reasons were complicated and sad. Suffice to say I was driven to find physical and psychological safety I wasn’t getting at home.

Everything worked out for me. I got lucky and landed on my feet. Did I pick up a few psychological scars from the experience? Yes—but they added to my roguish charm! The thing is, I went into it completely blind. Which isn’t the best strategy. Sorta like throwing yourself down a mountain and hoping you learn to ski on the way down. (Also a thing I did once. How am I alive???)

In my experience, most of the advice for young people in this situation is insufficient—and a bunch of it is fucking delusional. Today’s article is a guide that I wish I could’ve read when I was a kid.

This is an updated, expanded version of an article we first published in 2019. I think it’s one of the most important things I’ve ever written, and it’s one of the most popular articles in the long and storied history of Bitches Get Riches. I’ve added a bunch of new stuff, including advice for older, stable folks who want to reach back down the ladder and help others climb up.

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I Took 40 Days of Vacation Time in 2024 and I Feel No Remorse

Jess Fickett ("Piggy") 5 Comments

How many vacation days did you take this year? How many does your employer allow you to take? Did you work through illness and burnout because you didn’t have enough paid time off to rest and recuperate? Did you skip meaningful events with your family? When was the last time you took an actual vacation from your job?

Today we’re talking about vacation time, or paid time off (PTO). It’s the bitter controversy that launched a thousand memes about the difference between Europe and the United States.

In the past, I’ve worked for employers that offered anywhere from 6 to 10 vacation days per year. I’ve worked for companies that allow you to take comp time (i.e., if you work on a weekend day, you may add that day to your total PTO). Currently, I work for a company that “doesn’t have a vacation policy.” Other employers call this “unlimited PTO.” In practice, this means that I can take as many days off as I see fit, so long as I get my work done.

With that generous vacation time policy, you might be wondering how much time I took off this year. Welp…

I took 8 fucking work weeks of vacation time this year. That’s 40 whole days.

And I feel absolutely no remorse. In fact, I feel giddy. I feel like celebrating! Let’s unpack that!

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How To Protect Yourself Against Project 2025

Jess Fickett ("Piggy") 23 Comments

Well here we are, fam. The 2024 presidential election has happened and the outcome was not great.

We took some time to be angry. To be scared. To grieve. We checked in on our community and practiced some highly necessary self-care. Then we spent several cathartic hours scrolling through r/LeopardsAteMyFace. We hope you did too.

Now we’re ready for the next step. For we have chosen to stay and fight. Part of that means embracing our calling as your beloved yet humble Bitches—your opinionated internet aunties—by sharing ideas on how we can prepare to weather the coming storm.

It might not be much of a storm! Could be anywhere from a little light rain to a Category 5 hurricane. But it’s our belief that you should prepare for the worst in such a way that even in the best case scenario, you’ll still end up better off.

This guide includes some instructions specific to a second Trump administration (three words I gag even writing). But some of it is just good practice no matter what happens.

What are we preparing for?

The Trump administration—including his billionaire buddies, cartoonishly villainous advisors, and all the grifters and sycophants in between—has all kinds of goals. Part of this plan is Project 2025, a policy wishlist funded by the Heritage Foundation and written by 140 former (and in some cases, future) Trump staffers (among others). Think of the Heritage Foundation as a real-life, conservative “deep state” with even deeper pockets, helmed by all the extremist nutjobs driving the Right Wing’s most regressive ideas since the Reagan administration.

There’s a lot of cooks in this oppressive kitchen. So for the purposes of this guide, we’re going to use “Project 2025” as an umbrella term for the policy agenda of the Trump administration and broader conservative party.

Change will not come at a consistent pace. We won’t enter The Darkest Timeline overnight, or maybe even at all! And there’s not even a guarantee that all the worst aspects of Project 2025 will come to pass. With any luck, this corrupt administration of toadies, conspiracy theorists, and inept, entitled conmen will get in its own way enough that they make zero progress towards their nightmarish goals!

But we can’t bank on that. Which is why we recommend the following steps before they start checking off items on the Project 2025 to-do list. Shoot for the moon of Suckitude! Even if we don’t reach it, you’ll land lightly among the stars of Things Are Slightly Worse Now.

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Anti-Goblin Mode: The Game I Play Every Day to Reprogram My Disorganized Brain

Anti-Goblin Mode: The Game I Play Every Day to Reprogram My Disorganized Brain

Lauren Torres ("Kitty") 17 Comments

It’s finally time to talk about Anti-Goblin Mode: my secret holy grail technique for conquering executive dysfunction in my home, my work, and my life in general.

I’ve never written about it before. It seemed too personal and too silly to share. But since I discovered it, I’ve used it nearly every day of my life—and the transformation has been permanent and incredible. And as our patrons demanded an article on becoming organized, its time has come!

One of the best pieces of general life advice I’ve ever received is this: never ask a natural talent to be your teacher. If they came out of the womb composing piano sonatas, don’t ask them to teach you piano! They literally don’t understand the experience of not knowing what they know! This holds true in organization, too. I find that most “organizational systems” were written by people with a natural talent for organization. Y’know—monsters who can keep a white rug clean. Their advice shouldn’t be trusted. Instead, the best teachers are people who struggled and persevered in the face of mediocrity.

On this point, I’m happy to attest that neither nature nor nurture set me up to be an organized person. I grew up the undiagnosed ADHD child of an undiagnosed ADHD parent who was also a hoarder! That means I’ve earned my organized life valiantly, on the battlefield.

So how? How did I become an organized person? I’m happy to tell you it’s not rigid, or complicated, or super philosophical, or time-consuming. I developed a game to help me do it. It’s very simple, but it’s transformed my life for the better. And I hope it might help you too.

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The Disturbing and Hypocritical World of Tradwives

Jess Fickett ("Piggy") 8 Comments

Tradwives. Who are they? Where did they come from? What do they want?

To answer these questions and more, we’re going to dive deep into the bowels of anti-feminist history. Starting with a woman named Phyllis Schlafly.

She was the absolute fucking worst.

Schlafly dedicated her entire life and career to thwarting the causes of feminism. She advocated for women to give up careers and their places in society in favor of staying home, having babies, and nurturing their husbands and homes. She successfully campaigned against the Equal Rights Amendment (which is still not ratified as the law of the land to this day), headed a grassroots movement to convince women that equal rights were not only unattainable but undesirable, stood firmly against gay rights, and loved the idea of a white supremacist theocracy even more than she loved the sound of her own goddamn voice. Schlafly was staunchly anti-abortion, anti-contraception, anti-divorce, and anti-fun in all its forms.

Fortunately, she died in 2016.

Literally me upon the death of ur-tradwife Phyllis Schlafly.

But the infuriating legacy of Schlafly lives on. For while she was yammering on about uppity women knowing their place, this anti-feminist Babadook was decidedly not in her supposed place.

(Actually, this is an insult to the Babadook, who The Kids™ tell me is a bisexual icon and therefore someone to be celebrated and not denigrated. My apologies, dear sweet Babadook. It won’t happen again.)

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