Investing Archives • Bitches Get Riches

We’re in a New Bull Market! Should You Give One Single Fuck?

February 6, 2024February 2, 2024 Piggy 11 Comments

While out at dinner last week, a friend turned to me and said, “I heard some positive news about the economy and a new bull market today. Yet it seems like nothing has changed for the better with the finances of most people I know. My sister in money nerdery… what, pray tell, the fuck?”

What the fuck indeed!

According to the U.S. Census Bureau, more Americans than ever are struggling to pay their household bills. Housing is currently unaffordable for half of American renters, a record high as reported by the Joint Center for Housing Studies at Harvard University. And analysis from the Federal Reserve Bank of St. Lewis shows that Americans’ financial stress due to credit card debt has reached levels not seen since the Great Recession of 2008-2009.

Yet despite all of these extremely fucking dire stats, there’s apparently reason to celebrate! For we have entered a new bull market! That’s way more important to the economy than [checks notes] rising eviction rates and a massive baby formula shortage, right? Right?

… right?

Hello, class inequality, my old friend. It’s time we got super bummed about you again.

Investing Deathmatch: What Happens in a Bull Market vs. a Bear Market

September 14, 2022September 14, 2022 Piggy 4 Comments

THE PEOPLE HAVE CHOSEN VIOLENCE!

Every month we poll our Patreon donors on what article topics they’d most like to see. And this month, the patrons have called for a rumble in the jungle, a date with fate, a coming to blows, fisticuffs, a fight to the death! That’s right, sportsfans, it’s time for another round of…

INVESTING DEATHMATCH!!!!!!

In this article series, we pit two investing concepts against each other and judge which one is better for you, the investor. Sometimes it’s a close fight. Other times it’s a full-on K.O. Either way, there will be blood (and gifs… lots of gifs). Whether it’s stocks vs. bonds or index funds vs. actively managed funds, the nerdy, analytical shrapnel will leave none unscathed!

Let’s meet today’s contenders…

Wait… Did I Just Lose All My Money Investing in the Stock Market?

July 6, 2022April 4, 2023 Piggy 16 Comments

The stock market looks real ugly right now. The last six months have been some of the worst for the stock market in the last decades. The Nasdaq is down by 30%, the S&P 500 by over 20%, and the Dow Jones Industrial Average by 15%. It’s lookin’ like a crash, a recession, an “economic downturn”! Which, uh… isn’t pretty.

That’s why I’m choosing not to look!

Indiana Jones does not like to lose money in the stock market. — Dr. Jones: Worst archaeologist ever, merely mediocre investor.

Because when I do look, it seems like aaaaall the gains I’ve earned by investing in the stock market have shriveled up like a scrotum on Hoth. It looks, in other words, like I’ve lost a lot of money.

But have I really? When the stock market crashes, do you really lose money?

Small Business Investing: A Kinder, Gentler Alternative to the Stock Market

June 21, 2022October 8, 2023 Piggy 11 Comments

Gentle readers… shit’s straight fucked.

This Bear Market (i.e., when the stock market plunges and investors start sweating bullets, not a charity auction event I’m sure is occurring somewhere this Pride Month) is scary stuff. It can be incredibly difficult to stick to a long-term investing strategy when it looks like you’re losing hundreds or even thousands day by day. Cutting your losses and pulling your money out of the stock market is a strong temptation.

For the record, we don’t recommend doing anything so hasty. But we also feel your pain! Which is why we’ve always recommended mitigating your risk by diversifying your investments. Remember our classic lesson about horcruxes and investment diversification? If not, go read it now. I’ll wait.

Welcome back! Today we’re introducing one of my favorite diversification horcruxes: small business investing—a lovely little option for the nervous stockholder looking for another way to grow their money outside of the stock market… while keeping their ethics intact.

Procrastinating on Opening a Retirement Account? Here’s 3 Ways That’ll Fuck You Over.

June 8, 2022June 8, 2022 Piggy 3 Comments

If I had to rank all the things I love to do in my precious free time, where would opening a retirement account fall? Let me see, hmm… above a root canal, but below politely accepting a religious tract from a door-knocking missionary. (What can I say? Some of them have pretty nice artwork!)

Have you been procrastinating on opening your retirement account? Feeling lazy? Avoidant? Afraid of the paperwork? Feel like you’d rather use that money on stuff you need or want right now? Obviously, I feel you.

But buck up, son! I’m about to tell you why you can’t afford not to open a retirement account.

Wait… what’s a retirement account again?

To recap with a vast simplification: Americans have access to two main kinds of retirement accounts.

First, a 401(k)—or 403(b), if you work for a nonprofit—is a retirement fund facilitated by your employer. You set it up so they can take money directly out of your paycheck and squirrel it safely away for you to use when you’re terrorizing orderlies in the nursing home. That way you can focus on maintaining your record as Wheelchair Drag Race Champion of Shady Hills Retirement Community and not get distracted by petty financial concerns.

Second, there’s IRAs (individual retirement accounts), both traditional and Roth. IRAs are very similar to 401(k)s, but they’re attached to you directly instead of your employer. There are other differences, but meh, they’re pretty minor. You can get acquainted with the finer points later.

Retirement accounts are powerful tools for growing wealth and stability for your future self. The trick is you have to opt into your retirement account. If you’re self-employed, or you work for a company that doesn’t offer 401(k)s, you need to go out and open your own IRA. And if you work for a company that offers 401(k)s, you need to sign up and voluntarily tell someone to NOT give you part of your paycheck every month.

As broke as you are right now, ignoring a perfectly good retirement fund is a terrible idea. Because if you do that, you’ll lose money in three different ways.

{ MASTERPOST } Everything You Need to Know about Investing for Beginners

April 26, 2022July 31, 2023 Piggy 2 Comments

Long after the Cataclysm, when the Reavers stalked the Land and life in the Before Times was but a distant memory, there were those who sought to understand the past. They sifted through the rubble of long-forgotten cities, searching for clues to the life of prosperity and ease their ancestors had enjoyed.

Ticker tape was found, and a dusty DVD of The Wolf of Wall Street. These artifacts were carefully preserved and venerated, mystics and scholars studying them to unravel the Deep Mysteries. There was a ritual known as “investing,” which took place in a temple called “the stock market” and bestowed upon the masses “dividends.” Could this be the key to the prosperity and opulence of their ancestors?

Only time would tell.

But there were some who remembered the Wysdom of Thee Bitches. You could hear these cultists crying out in the darkness, amidst their nightly rituals, “It’s about time IN the market! Not timING the market!” as they cackled and danced.

It’s been said you can’t save your way to financial independence—you have to invest your way there. But investing in the stock market seems like a complicated, daunting practice reserved for rich people and the bebuttsticked class. In the articles below, we attempt to demystify investing into something everyone can—and should—do.

How to Painlessly Run the Gauntlet of a 401k Rollover

March 29, 2022August 2, 2022 Piggy 27 Comments

If we’ve taught you nothing else here at Bitches Get Riches, it’s that you should:

sign up for your employer’s retirement plan and
job hop your way to a nice fat salary.

Yet these two bits of career advice might seem to conflict with one another. After all, if you’re job-hopping your way up the salary food-chain, you might be leaving a trail of old retirement plans behind you to languish. What do you do with your old 401k when you move on to a new employer, or even embrace self-employment?

Enter the 401k rollover: the most hateful, obnoxious, and needlessly complicated bureaucratic process known to man.

Today we’re not only going to demystify the process of how to roll over an employer-sponsored retirement plan like a 401k—we’re going to make it beautifully, sinfully painless. It’s going to be so much fun you guys!!!!!

Investing in Cryptocurrency is Bad and Stupid

February 15, 2022April 4, 2023 Lauren Torres ("Kitty") 23 Comments

If you’ve been reading our blog for long, you probably could’ve guessed we think investing in cryptocurrency is bad and stupid.

And yeah, I considered using more expansive words like “unethical” and “speculative” instead of “bad and stupid.” Those words had precision, but lacked panache.

Our Patreon donors vote on potential article topics, and this month they wanted to read our thoughts on investing in cryptocurrency. So we get questions about it all the time! Which isn’t surprising. Relative to cash and traditional investment vehicles, crypto is new and confusing. To make matters worse, there’s so much hype surrounding it in the personal finance world that research feels like reading a data science textbook through a swarm of bees.

Mercifully, we’re not here to explain what crypto is, or how the mysterious blockchain technology works (others have done that intolerably boring work for us). Rather, we’re going to release you from caring about crypto in the first place!

So it’s our personal opinion that investing in cryptocurrency is bad and stupid, and you shouldn’t do it. Here’s why.

Investing Deathmatch: Timing the Market vs. Time IN the Market

July 28, 2021April 15, 2022 Piggy 7 Comments

Bitch Nation, things around here have been far too peaceful for far too long. No cage matches, no Fury Road-style races to the death. We haven’t even had an inter-Bitch argument in ages.*

So you know what that means…

IT’S TIME FOR ANOTHER INSTALLMENT OF INVESTING DEATHMATCH!

In this recurring series, we pit two investing strategies against each other, examine the merits of each, and determine which is best for you, the investor. Along the way we hope you learn a little about the stock market, but really… we know you’re just here for the gifs.

Two investing strategies enter! Only one will survive! Who will win this most neurotic and numbers-based fight to the death??? Only time (and minute examination of historical stock market trends) will tell!

Let’s meet our contenders.

Booms, Busts, Bubbles, and Beanie Babies: How Economic Cycles Work

July 7, 2021July 7, 2021 Lauren Torres ("Kitty") 6 Comments

Today we’re talking booms vs. busts vs. bubbles. This is a bit more theoretical than our advice tends to be. But I promise it’s important! You need to understand the difference between the two if you want to make flexible, resilient, realistic medium- to long-term plans for yourself.

And yes, this topic is dry. So I’ll do my best to blast some cool ranch flavor dust on it whenever possible. In fact, let’s start now!

Q: How is the free market under capitalism like a cock?
A: It expands and contracts, screwing everybody it can in the process!

Me, thinking of this joke in the shower: “I am amazing. I have the glowing-est brain. Our blog deserves every award it has ever won and more. Unless I read that joke somewhere, semi-forgot it, then accidentally stole it???”

If this joke belongs to you, I apologize. Tell it to the FBI agent wire-tapping your home’s smart devices, he’ll put a note in my permanent record.