Long after the Cataclysm, when the Reavers stalked the Land and life in the Before Times was but a distant memory, there were those who sought to understand the past. They sifted through the rubble of long-forgotten cities, searching for clues to the life of prosperity and ease their ancestors had enjoyed.
Ticker tape was found, and a dusty DVD of The Wolf of Wall Street. These artifacts were carefully preserved and venerated, mystics and scholars studying them to unravel the Deep Mysteries. There was a ritual known as “investing,” which took place in a temple called “the stock market” and bestowed upon the masses “dividends.” Could this be the key to the prosperity and opulence of their ancestors?
Only time would tell.
But there were some who remembered the Wysdom of Thee Bitches. You could hear these cultists crying out in the darkness, amidst their nightly rituals, “It’s about time IN the market! Not timING the market!” as they cackled and danced.
It’s been said you can’t save your way to financial independence—you have to invest your way there. But investing in the stock market seems like a complicated, daunting practice reserved for rich people and the bebuttsticked class. In the articles below, we attempt to demystify investing into something everyone can—and should—do.
Investing for beginners
Read on for our collected wisdom on investing for beginners.
Fundamentals of investing:
- What’s the REAL Rate of Return on the Stock Market?
- Do NOT Make This Disastrous Beginner Mistake With Your Retirement Funds
- The Dark Magic of Financial Horcruxes: How and Why to Diversify Your Assets
- Dafuq Is Interest? And How Does It Work for the Forces of Darkness?
- Booms, Busts, Bubbles, and Beanie Babies: How Economic Cycles Work
- When Money in the Bank Is a Bad Thing: Understanding Inflation and Depreciation
Investing Deathmatch series:
- Investing Deathmatch: Managed Funds vs. Index Funds
- Investing Deathmatch: Traditional IRA vs. Roth IRA
- Investing Deathmatch: Investing in the Stock Market vs. Just… Not
- Investing Deathmatch: Stocks vs. Bonds
- Investing Deathmatch: Timing the Market vs. Time IN the Market
- Investing Deathmatch: Paying off Debt vs. Investing in the Stock Market
- Investing Deathmatch: What Happens in a Bull Market vs. a Bear Market
Now that we’ve covered the basics, are you ready to invest but don’t know where to begin? We recommend starting small with micro-investing through our partner Acorns. They’ll round up your purchases to the nearest dollar and invest the change in a nicely diversified portfolio of stocks, bonds, and ETFs. Easy as eating pancakes:
- Small Business Investing: A Kinder, Gentler Alternative to the Stock Market
- Bullshit Reasons Not to Buy a House: Refuted
- Investing in Cryptocurrency is Bad and Stupid
- So I Got Chickens, Part 1: Return on Investment
- Twelve Reasons Senior Pets Are an Awesome Investment
- How To Save for Retirement When You Make Less Than $30,000 a Year
Understanding the stock market:
- Ask the Bitches Pandemic Lightning Round: “Did Congress Really Give $1.5 Trillion to Wall Street?”
- Season 3, Episode 2: “I Inherited Money. Should I Pay Off Debt, Invest It, or Blow It All on a Car?”
- Money Is Fake and GameStop Is King: What Happened When Reddit and a Meme Stock Tanked Hedge Funds
- Season 3, Episode 7: “I’m Finished With the Basic Shit. What Are the Advanced Financial Steps That Only Rich People Know?”
- Wait… Did I Just Lose All My Money Investing in the Stock Market?
- Season 4, Episode 1: “Index Funds Include Unethical Companies. Can I Still Invest in Them, or Does That Make Me a Monster?”
- Dafuq Is a Retirement Plan and Why Do You Need One?
- Procrastinating on Opening a Retirement Account? Here’s 3 Ways That’ll Fuck You Over
- How to Painlessly Run the Gauntlet of a 401k Rollover
- Ask the Bitches: “Can I Quit With Unvested Funds? Or Am I Walking Away From Too Much Money?”
- Workplace Benefits and Other Cool Side Effects of Employment
- You Need to Talk to Your Parents About Their Retirement Plan
- Season 4, Episode 5: “401(k)s Aren’t Offered in My Industry. How Do I Save for Retirement if My Employer Won’t Help?”
Got a retirement plan already? How about three or four? Have you been leaving a trail of abandoned 401(k)s behind you at every employer you quit? Did we just become best friends? Because that was literally my story until recently. Our partner Capitalize will help you quickly and painlessly get through a 401(k) rollover:
- Season 1, Episode 12: “Should I Believe the Fear-Mongering about Another Recession?”
- There’s a Storm a’Comin’: What We Know About the Next Recession
- Ask the Bitches: How Do I Prepare for a Recession?
- A Brief History of the 2008 Crash and Recession: We Were All So Fucked
- Ask the Bitches Pandemic Lightning Round: “Is This the Right Time To Start Investing?”
And that’s what we’ve written on investing so far! If there’s a topic we haven’t yet covered, like any good cover artist we absolutely take requests.
We’ll periodically update this list with new articles. And by “periodically” I mean “when we remember that it’s something we forgot to do for months at a time.” You’re welcome.