Here at Bitches Get Riches we soundly reject the notion that personal finance is a dry, boring, unsexy topic. In fact, nothing gets us metaphorically harder than a solid breakdown of modest, cautious techniques for growing personal wealth. Day drinking? More like day trading, AMIRITE?
And this is why we’ve set about to change some preconceived notions about all the wild and wondrous things you can do with a large chunk of money—let’s say $1,000 for the purposes of this article. Not quite enough to drastically change the life of the average person, but definitely enough to have some fun.
With $1k you could go to Cuba for a few days (seriously y’all, flights are dirt cheap right now). You could revamp your wardrobe! You could buy a brand new PS4 and a flat screen TV on which to play it! You and your dog could have a spa day!*
But we’re here to urge you to take a different approach. Don’t waste that $1k on basic bitchiness like a new wardrobe, a trip abroad, or canine mani pedis. At least not before you’ve cut your teeth on these badass, sexiful, metal af ways to really make $1k worth saving for.
Pay down your debt
Which is the most metal house in Game of Thrones? Which house has zero fucks to give and the solid golden balls with which to not give them? The Lannisters, of course. And those motherfuckers always pay their debts.
Don’t be a noble but eminently killable Stark just waiting around to collect on that debt. That’ll drive you right into an early grave. Don’t be a trusting, disposable Tully making deals that just sink you further into a life-threatening deficit.
No. Be the debt-payer. Use that $1k to make your creditors rue the day they crossed paths with a lion. Make them hear you roar… and collect slightly less interest than they would if you paid your loans back on schedule instead of early.
Start an emergency fund
You know what all badass motherfuckers have in common? No, not conventional good looks and the uncanny ability to spout off witticisms in the face of certain death (though they’ve got that to). They’re prepared. Ready for anything. Able to cope with mayhem and excitement at a moment’s notice!
Being prepared means you’re ready to tackle major emergencies as they come at you without breaking a sweat. And to do that, you need funding. An emergency fund, if you will.
Does James Bond stop in the middle of a shoot-out to wonder if he should conserve bullets due to budgetary constraints back at MI6? No. No he does not. He mows down enemy operatives with deadly precision and the lack of hesitation that comes from knowing that a firefight is a goddamn emergency, one he has carefully saved for just in case.
So be like James fucking Bond and use that $1k to start an emergency fund. Because you never know when you’ll need it to stop a terrorist plot to blow up Parliament or steal the crown jewels or whatever.
Contribute to an IRA
The thing that no one tells you about IRAs is they are sexy as fuck. Nothing says “I am a mature, independent person who is taking charge of my own future and I don’t need anybody’s permission or approval to do it” like an Individual Retirement Account.
And lucky for you, you sexy budgeting beast, the minimum requirement for starting most IRAs is $1,000.
Nothing goes with a classic LBD like compounding interest, and that’s exactly what you’ll get if you stick your $1k in a Roth or Traditional IRA. Boys be like “Do she got a fat retirement account?”
So skip the “NO REGRETS” tattoo and the undercut and save that money for something that’ll really turn heads: the presence, the poise, the fuckability of one who is accruing wealth at about the same rate as inflation.
*Forget everything I said. This is clearly the best use for your money.