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Go to the goddamn library, you fool.

The Library Is a Magical Place and You Should Fucking Go There

Back when I lived in a hippie commune with approximately nine humans and 37 dogs, I would bike to the library on a regular basis to keep myself in reading material without spending all of my meager paycheck on books. As I was leaving one day, I asked one of my roommates if she wanted me to pick up anything at the library for her. Her response: “Is it free?”

Is it free? Is it free?

Let’s pretend for a minute that it’s not completely weird and unbelievable that an adult human being could grow up in the United States without ever having learned the first thing (literally, the very first thing) about the public library. Let’s also set aside the fact that this particular person was an English major. I’ll just state, definitively and for the record:

The library is fucking free, you fool. So why the hell wouldn’t you use it? Especially if you’re trying to save money or you’re already on a tight budget?

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As broke as you are right now, ignoring a perfectly good retirement fund is a terrible idea.

If You Don’t Use Your 401k You’re Losing Money in 3 Different Ways

Too lazy to set up your 401k? Too afraid of the paperwork? Feel like you’d rather use that money on stuff right now? Well buck up, son, because I’m about to tell you why you can’t afford not to use your retirement plan.

A 401k (or 403b if you work for a nonprofit) is your basic retirement fund. You set it up with your employer so they can take money directly out of your paycheck and squirrel it safely away for you to use when you’re terrorizing orderlies in the nursing home. That way you can focus on maintaining your record as Wheelchair Drag Race Champion of Shady Hills Retirement Community and not get distracted by petty financial concerns.

Pictured here: retirement goals.

But the trick is you have to opt into your 401k. It’s not forced on you, and it doesn’t happen automatically. So against your best interest, you can actually choose to just not save for retirement. And as broke as you are right now, ignoring a perfectly good retirement fund is a terrible idea.

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You do not need a 52-inch TV on which to watch steroid-enhanced men in spandex bowl each other over in between reminders that we are all slaves to capitalism.

Dafuq Is a Down Payment and Why Do You Need One to Buy Stuff?

Sometimes you don’t have enough money in the bank to buy stuff, so you borrow money to buy the stuff. But if you have some money, it is always better to use it to pay for part of the stuff than to borrow all the money you need to buy the stuff.

In an ideal world, we’d all pay for expensive things like cars and houses and a college education with the money that we already have. But unless you have a Scrooge McDuckian money vault at your disposal, paying cash in full for a car or house or bachelor’s degree feels nigh impossible.

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