Our Patreon donors get to vote on what we write about, and in their infinite wisdom, they selected the topic of severance packages.
I wish I could pepper this with lots of puns on Severance, the show. But I can’t, because I’m not watching it. Sorry, Severance stans—it’s not personal! I refuse to participate in any more mystery box media until it’s concluded AND the conclusion is well received by its fans. It’s for my own protection. The mystery box train usually only goes to two destinations: Cancellation City, or the Incorporated Township of Wasting My Time. I will no longer let myself scrounge for crumbs of satisfaction in a show-runner’s AMA responses as part of the ten-year retrospective. Call me when it’s over and the last season netted an 8.0 average or better on IMDB, Ben Stiller!
Let’s hang the concept of severance packages on a classic good news, bad news framework!
The bad news? You’ve been laid off. Y’know, dismissed? Let go? Made redundant? Fired—out of a cannon, straight into the sun? No matter the euphemism, the result is the same. The kingdom has shut its gates to you, and your descendants will be cursed to toil in the wilderness, filling their bellies with dust.
The good news? You might have an extra paycheck or two coming your way.
Around 25% of employers offer severance pay, making it neither common nor uncommon. It’s a benefit that’s typically reserved for white collar employees, or those who work specifically on the corporate side of major retailers and service providers. And if you think that sounds classist—good! It is! You’ve been paying attention!
If you already know your industry/field/role doesn’t offer this perk, or if you’re not employed right now, you may take this period as an open study hall.
