It comes to you in a dream: ethereal voices, echoing through the fog of your resting mind. You toss and turn as you try to decipher their meaning. The voices are unspeakably beautiful, inspiring, gregarious… and it is then you know they are the voices of… the Bitches.
For it is they who bless the minds of young wanderers in the Land of Dreams! They who deliver divine inspiration directly to the soul so that upon waking, the listener is fortified with the knowledge to go forth and conquer the world.
You strain to hear. You yearn for their wisdom and sage advice. And at last you make out what they’re telling you:
“This is how you adult like a fucking champ…”
Readers, enjoy this masterpost of all our articles on living independently for the first time, so that you may learn to become your very own adult. For it’s the last you’ll hear from us for a while! That’s right: we’re taking our annual two-week summer vacation starting… now!
Don’t worry: we promise to come back better and bitchier than ever!
On leaving home for the first time:
- Leaving Home before 18: A Practical Guide for Cast-Offs, Runaways, and Everybody in Between
- Ask the Bitches: “I Just Turned 18 and My Parents Are Kicking Me Out. How Do I Brace Myself?”
- Ask the Bitches: I Want to Move Out, but I Can’t Afford It. How Bad Would It Be to Take out Student Loans to Cover It?
- How to Start at Rock Bottom
- Advice I Wish My Parents Gave Me When I Was 16
- Ask the Bitches: How Can I Make Myself Financially Secure Before Age 30?
- You Won’t Regret Your Frugal 20s
- Master the Logistics and Etiquette of Moving Out
On basic finance:
- How the Hell Does One Open a Bank Account? Asking for a Friend.
- How Do You Write and Cash Checks? Asking for a Friend.
- Budgets Don’t Work for Everyone—Try This System Instead
- You Must Be This Big to Be an Emergency Fund
- A Hand-Holding Guide to Getting Your First Credit Card
- How to File Your Taxes FOR FREE: Simple Instructions for the Stressed-Out Taxpayer
- Dafuq Is Credit and How Do You Bend It to Your Will?
- Dafuq Is Interest and How Does It Work for the Forces of Darkness?
- Dafuq Is a Down Payment and Why Do You Need One to Buy Stuff?
- Dafuq Is Insurance and Why Do You Even Need It?
- Dafuq Is a Retirement Plan and Why Do You Need One?
- How to Save for Retirement When You Make Less Than $30,000 a Year
- Investing Deathmatch: Investing in the Stock Market vs. Just… Not
On managing your household:
- How the Hell Does One Laundry? Asking for a Friend.
- How the Hell Does One Wash Dishes? Asking for a Friend.
- Ask the Bitches: Why Are Painted Mason Jars the Internet’s Only Solution to My Tiny Apartment Woes?
- 9 Essential Tools for Apartment-Dwelling Hominids (and 5 That Are Kiiiiinda Useless)
- Ask the Bitches: How Can I Survive in an Apartment with No Heat?
- Bullshit Reasons Not to Buy a House: Refuted
- How to Maintain the Car You’re Barely Driving
On feeding and caring for yourself:
- Why You Should Learn to Cook
- How to Shop for Groceries like a Boss
- If You Don’t Eat Leftovers I Don’t Even Want to Know You
- I Think I Need to Go the Emergency Room?
- Ask the Bitches: Ugh, How Do I Build the Habit of Taking Meds?
On maintaining relationships:
- Episode 008: “My Mother Demands Information About My One-Night Stands.”
- Episode 003: “My Parents Have Bad Credit. Should I Help by Co-signing Their Mortgage?”
- Ask the Bitches: How Do I Say “No” When a Loved One Asks for Money… Again?
- Ask the Bitches: My Dad Sucks with Money. How Do I Make Him Change?
- You Need to Talk to Your Parents About Their Retirement Plan
On starting your career:
- 22-Year-Olds Don’t Belong in Grad School
- High School Students Have No Way of Knowing What Career to Choose. Why Do We Make Them Do It Anyway?
- The Actually Helpful, Nuanced, Non-Bullshit Way to Choose a Future Career
- The Ugly Truth About Unpaid Internships
- Your School or Workplace Benefits Might Include Cool Free Stuff
Darling readers, if there’s an adulting topic we haven’t covered in the articles linked above, let us know! For while we aren’t exactly expert adults, we have learned through trial and error (mostly error), and oh boy howdy do we have some stories to tell.
And now, we bid you adieu for two whole weeks. Stay strong! Try not to miss us too much! We promise our summer hiatus will be over before you know it.