Friends, I come to you today breathless with excitement. Remember Anonymous Rex, the bitchling who wrote to us about their secretive significant other? The one whose partner was all like “I can know about your finances, but you can’t know about mine“? The one whose partner was most likely hiding something sketchy from Anonymous Rex, according to moi?
They wrote back.
And oh baby is it juicy:
Anon with the cagey significant other here. Turns out they were alarmingly deep in debt, were not honest about how much they were working, and more. They were very upset about having to mention anything financial, and were pissed that I thought I had a right to know their personal matters.
So, I broke up with them. Not just because of the finance stuff, though it was definitely the straw that broke the camel’s back. And I feel freer and happier than I have in years. Which probably sounds really heartless, because you’re supposed to be all torn up about ending relationships, especially ones that are as serious as that one was, but… it’s true. I don’t know what it says about the relationship if when it ends, all you feel is overwhelming relief, but… that’s how I felt.
Thank you so much for your response to my question. It’s good to know that it isn’t crazy or invasive or unreasonable to want to know a significant other’s financial situation/how they handle their finances. I was beginning to think it was. I’ll keep that “personal finance is personal—not private” mantra in my head, going forward.-Anonymous Rex again
No but in all seriousness it sucks to be vindicated in this way. The full-body orgasm I receive from being right about something is somewhat dampened by being right about bad shit happening.
If you haven’t yet read Anonymous Rex’s first letter and my response, do so now. See if you can spot the same warning signs I saw!
I’ll be the first to admit that I went a little hard in my response. Yet the warning bells were deafening, the red flags blinding, and all my Spidey Senses were telling me that something was really wrong. So I went with my instincts and warned Rex that they were at risk of financial abuse, or at the very least, manipulation by their partner based on intentional secrecy.
It was harsh and extreme, yes. But I feel secure in my decision to sound the alarm on what could very well have been a case of domestic abuse. And not simply because I ended up being really goddamn right!
As I wrote before, it’s not fair to keep a person in a relationship by depriving them of information that will affect their decision to stay in said relationship. By their very nature, things like credit scores and debt legally affect both partners in a marriage. So you need to be financially transparent with your partner. This is all baseline stuff! The minimum standards for a healthy relationship!
The very fact that Rex was worried enough about the secrecy to write to their esteemed Internet Aunties about it told me that the issue was worse than it seemed. I could tell their partner was hiding something. And I could tell that it was bad.
If you wouldn’t hide an STD from your romantic partner (and holy fucking shit you should not do that), you shouldn’t hide your financial problems from them.
All’s well that ends well? Question mark?
While it sucks that Rex was in a fucked up situation… their follow-up letter left me grinning from ear to ear. Yes, it was partially because I was right about their cagey partner, and we all know that if I could mainline the feeling of vindication five times a day, I absolutely would.
But I was grinning mostly because of this:
I feel freer and happier than I have in years.
I won’t flatter myself by saying that I personally saved Anonymous Rex from future heartache and pain. HOLD YOUR APPLAUSE, GENTLE READERS! But I am relieved af to know that this was “the straw that broke the camel’s back.” I’m thrilled to know they got the validation they needed to leave a shitty partner. They feel relief in leaving the relationship! That means it was the right decision! Which leaves me with a huge sense of relief as well.
It’s perfectly healthy to advocate for yourself in a romantic relationship. When it comes to your emotional and physical well-being, yes… but also when it comes to money.
Now, if you’re super duper impressed that I was right about this whole thing… you should pay me. It takes a lot of effort and energy to be simultaneously this correct and this stunningly gorgeous at all times.
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