You know that feeling when you’ve been writing scathing 4,000 word critiques of entrenched white supremacist attitudes in the personal finance community? And you get really tired and depressed? So you decide to write about Sailor Scouts instead?
No? Did y’all think I was joking?
Uh uh. No sirs and ma’ams. Fighting evil by moonlight, making money by daylight. That’s the Bitches Get Riches mission statement in a nutshell!
I’ve conducted thousands of hours of exhaustive research on Sailor Moon (this research was done from age ten to, um… the present). And I am ready to provide a definitive ranking of the hypothetical net worth of all the Sailor Scouts.*
*Does not include Tuxedo Mask, whose star seed belongs to the guardian of planet Earth but is technically not a true scout. Also does not include villains, such as the Amazoness Quartet or the members of Shadow Galactica. Also-also does not include one-offs, musical exclusives, corporeal manifestations of the light of hope, and other bullshit characters.
It’s dinnertime, people. Let’s get to the meat!
From lowest net worth to highest…
Sailor Mercury: Soldier of Knowledge and Student Loans
Real Identity: Mizuno Ami (Amy)
Estimated Net Worth at Age 30: -$217,000.00
Key Assets: Medical degree, technology patents
Key Liabilities: Milk of human kindness
Bet you’re shocked to see Sailor Mercury here, at the very bottom of the list. It’s a stunning ranking for the hands-down smartest Senshi with the most marketable skills.
But if you think about it for even a second, it makes total sense. Ami’s goal is to become a doctor. That right there is a quarter mil in student loans. There are plenty of people who go on to practice medicine and make up this incredible debt with incredible earning potential. But Ami is just not the private practice type! She would totally work at a low-income community medical center, or join Doctors Without Borders.
All while living in Tokyo, one of the most expensive cities on the planet. And with social anxiety like hers, does anyone think Ami’s down to split expenses with any roommate other than Luna?
SAILOR MERCURY IS BROKE.
Search your heart. You know that I am right.
Sailor Venus: Soldier of Love and Lifestyle Creep
Real Identity: Aino Minako (Mina)
Estimated Net Worth at Age 30: -$23,000.00
Key Assets: Dual citizenship, charm
Key Liabilities: Expansive definition of “self care”
Her dream is to be an idol. More like “be idle,” amirite?
The Japanese idol industry molds a single person into a model/singer/actor/social media influencer. A glut of eager young girls makes competition fierce, and their shelf-life is incredibly short. They’re not considered serious actors or musicians, so even if V succeeded, her future is uncertain.
Like so many hopeful models, Minako would end up spending a small fortune on clothes, makeup, styling, treatments, and transportation just to get noticed and find work. She’d pay it back eventually by getting a job in PR, but she’ll always be the type to live just outside her means.
Sailor Moon: Soldier of Justice and Overdraft Fees
Real Identity: Tsukino Usagi (Serena)
Estimated Net Worth at Age 30: -$40.00
Key Assets: Future queen of Earth
Key Liabilities: Inability to count, married to serial rose waster
There’s no nice way to say it. Usagi may be a pretty soldier who fights in the name of the moon, but she is also dumb as a pile of poorly-folded towels. There are numerous instances of observational Usagi-humor centered around the fact that she can barely read or write in her native language.
On the one hand, I want to give Usagi a pass. She’s a messianic figure who’s saved the world multiple times. But she is such a stone-cold dumbass I cannot imagine a financial future that doesn’t involve extensive petty debts.
Usagi is more of a homebody, so I don’t picture her spending as carelessly as Minako. But her flighty personality would constantly lead to overdraft fees, late fines, and short-lived associations with MLMs. Thankfully, Tuxedo Mask is loaded. I’m sure he’ll bail her out of any physically or financially dangerous situation.
Sailors Uranus & Neptune: Soldiers of the Skies, Deep Waters, and Shady Lesbian Cabals
Real Identities: Tenoh Haruka (Amara) & Kaiou Michiru (Michelle)
Estimated Net Worth at Age 30: $0.00, or rather n/a
Key Assets: Fast cars, musical talent, “patrons”
Key Liabilities: Systemic campaign of attempted becousining, trying to raise this baby right
Haruka and Michiru don’t have any money, but they also don’t need any money. They seem to exist in some kind of roving pocket dimension where money has no meaning.
These two would walk into a coffee shop, order something extremely sophisticated, and then look at the barista like she was gauche for ringing them up. And it would work. Cashier-girl would be too busy stammering and blushing to stop them from strolling out again.
There’s a vague answer to the source of their inexhaustible old money. “We have patrons,” Haruka says. No one, inside or outside of the continuity, knows what the fuck this means. But it does remind me to thank our Patreon supporters! Soldiers of Good Taste and Philanthropy, every single one of you!
Sailor Saturn: Soldier of Death and Lost Wages
Real Identity: Tomoe Hotaru (Hotaru)
Estimated Net Worth at Age 30: $630.00
Key Assets: Partially cybernetic, destroyer of worlds, a demon lives in her soul
Key Liabilities: Seizures, spontaneous age changes, a demon lives in her soul
Due to circumstances with which I’m sure we’re all very familiar, Sailor Saturn would actually only be eighteen years old at age thirty, as she was reborn as an infant at age twelve. And high school kids ain’t known for their amazing wealth.
That said, she’s pretty circumspect. I bet she saves that thruple-mom allowance.
Sailor Jupiter: Soldier of Thunder and Etsy
Real Identity: Kino Makoto (Lita)
Estimated Net Worth at Age 30: $210,000.00
Key Assets: Dead parents, entrepreneurship
Key Liabilities: none
Makoto’s parents died in a plane crash. Given how rare such deaths are, I’m assuming she got a healthy settlement out of it. She’s super into classically girly stuff like gardening, baking, interior decoration, and handicrafts. Her dream is to open her own small business, along the lines of a bakery or flower shop. So, Etsy.
Honestly, Mako-chan’s living that coveted FIRE lifestyle. She’s monetizing her hobbies because she loves them, not because she needs to. She has plenty of cushion to fall back on. GOOD FOR YOU, JUPZ!
Sailor Mars: Soldier of Fire and Misandry
Real Identity: Hino Rei (Raye)
Estimated Net Worth at Age 30: $800,000.00
Key Assets: Great education, precognition, hates men
Key Liabilities: none
Fun fact: Rei’s estranged father is a powerful politician. I feel like Rei sending hate-vibes to someone for thirty years would be enough for them to just fall down and die, so I’m assuming she’s inherited a small fortune by this point.
This girl is a real dragon. I cannot picture her struggling with money. But if she ever did, her ability to see into the future means there’s an endless supply of easy yen to make down at the racetrack. This girl is set for life, yo.
Sailor Chibimoon: Soldier of Spoiled Brats
Real Identity: Usagi Small Lady Serenity Tsukino, or just Chibiusa (Rini)
Estimated Net Worth at Age 30: $1,900,000,000.00
Key Assets: Parents are the King and Queen of Earth
Key Liabilities: Is everybody’s least favorite, has verrrry complicated ideas about fatherhood, can’t get an ID because no one at the DMV believes her actual given name is Small Lady
I know, I know, I knocked Usagi for being a cheap queen. But Usagi eventually becomes the ageless and all-powerful Neo Queen Serenity, and runs the whole damn Earth for a thousand years from her seat in Crystal Tokyo. I am sure that sometime in that timeframe, she figured out how to buy herself some stocks.
That makes Chibiusa the only child of the Queen and King of the Earth. Hell yes she’s richer than sin! Kinda explains her consistently atrocious attitude.
Do not try to tell me that there isn’t some kind of ATM inside of Luna-P.
Sailor Pluto: Soldier of Space-Time and House Hacking
Real Identity: Meioh Setsuna (Trista)
Estimated Net Worth at Age 30: $∞
Key Assets: No expenses of any kind, exists in infinity, very stable job
Key Liabilities: Key real estate recently demoted to non-planetary status 🙁
Sailor Pluto is the keeper of the Gate of Time and Space. She does not eat. She does not sleep. And she sure as fuck don’t pay no goddamn rent!
Consider the financial ramifications of living in infinity, with the ability to travel freely to any point in known history and back again. She’s not allowed to leave her post, but it doesn’t matter because she can also exist in multiple places and times all at once. She is also not allowed to travel through time herself, upon pain of death. But it turns out that pain of death isn’t that much pain when you can infinitely reincarnate.
I’m considering this the ultimate house hack. Buy a house, rent it out, phase in and out of the forth dimension, and boom: you’re a quadrillionaire!
Don’t argue with me. Puu-chan is loaded on a cosmic and indefinable level.
Thank you for allowing me to explore this very serious and in-depth topic. I am mildly frightened by how I barely had to go back and reference wikis? Like, it’d be nice if I could remember what day of the week it is, or my husband’s phone number. But I guess I need all that space in my brain to remember the blood types of various characters from a 1990s cartoon.
A huge shoutout to the YouTube channel Sailor Moon Says. Their inexhaustible collection of hilarious out-of-context clips had my entire household roaring with laughter for hours.
Please assist me in my ongoing soul-healing process by telling me who your favorite Sailor Scout is, and why.
Sailor Moon says… see ya!