Season 3, Episode 9: "My Partner and I Want Kids in a Few Years. How Do We Financially Prepare for a Baby?"

Season 3, Episode 9: “My Partner and I Want Kids in a Few Years. How Do We Financially Prepare for a Baby?”

Dear readers, as you know, your humble Bitches are what’s known as “parenting experts.” We’ve spent literally decades observing and critically judging the childrearing of others. And we’ve done it all without sullying our hands by actually becoming parents ourselves! So when it comes to the topic of how to financially prepare for a baby… you know you can trust us.

Believe it or not, we childfree hags received more than one question about financially preparing for parenthood. And while we’ve answered questions about how to get ready to buy a house or go to college before… we’ve never touched this one’s diaper-rashy bottom.

But how hard can it be?

Having kids is one of the most financially significant decisions in a person’s life! Not only are kids expensive, but the decision affects people differently depending on their gender, sexuality, and access to medical care, childcare, and educational resources.

At the very least, you or your co-parent (if you have one) will need to maneuver into a job with solid health insurance benefits and parental leave. But the preparatory headache doesn’t stop there! So let’s dive into it, shall we?

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Season 3, Episode 1: "I Worry Paying for My Kids’ College Will Spoil Them. Don’t Student Loans Help Build Character?"

Season 3, Episode 1: “I Worry Paying for My Kids’ College Will Spoil Them. Don’t Student Loans Build Character?”

Do student loans build character? Or is debt in our fucked-up society suffering without meaning?

Who’s worse: the parents who give their kids every advantage in life even at their own expense? Or parents who withhold crucial help in order to teach toughness and independence? Truly, this is the weightiest question in the American experience since Jubilee asked if “a mall babe eats chili fries.” (The previous record-holder? Eh, probably Socrates?)

Here it is, Bitch Nation: the moment you’ve all been waiting for. The moment we’ve been teasing for months. It’s time for SEASON THREE OF THE BITCHES GET RICHES PODCAST!!!

Yeah, yeah, I know it took a while. But there were extenuating circumstances (see: coronavirus resulting in general ennui). But since we recently won the Plutus Award for Podcast of the Year (#stopthesteal), we figured we should get off our shapely butts and actually put out an episode of said podcast.

So here it is! And it’s a good one, if we do say so ourselves. In this episode we demonstrate our extensive parenting expertise (none) and experience with student loans (lots). We also wax philosophical about the future costs of higher education. Will little Timmy eventually have to fight in the Thunderdome to get into Princeton? Only time will tell!

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You Don’t Have To Have Kids

I’ve spent a lot of time with kids over the years. I babysat in high school. I was a nanny in college. Now I look after my friends’ children on a regular basis, and I’m the proud auntie of the World’s Cutest and Smartest Nephew (he blew the competition out of the water). In fact, I have so much childcare XP that babies magically stop crying the second I pick them up. I can prevent small children from smearing spaghetti sauce on the wall with barely a glance!

All of this time spent with other people’s children has made me absolutely certain of one thing. I don’t want to have kids.

Fortunately for me, I don’t have to. And neither do you.

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