Raise your hand if you’ve ever cohabitated with a romantic partner… and you didn’t put a ring on it.
I thought so, you sinful heathens. Say ten Hail Suzes and sin no more!
Moving in with a romantic partner—or even just a friend—and splitting finances is a rite of passage. But how do you navigate that relationship with caution and respect? Is there a right way or a wrong way to split finances? And what if you [gasp!] break up?!?!?
On the podcast this week, we talk about our own experience splitting finances with each other and with romantic partners over the years as we answer a question from a listener who is moving in with their partner with no intention of getting married or combining bank accounts. Enjoy this little glimpse into Bitch history as we wax nostalgic about the days when we could share groceries… and shoes.
Here it is. The moment you’ve all been waiting for. It’s time for… THE BITCHES GET RICHES PODCAST, SEASON 4!!!
Bitch Nation, we took a nice long hiatus between seasons while we jiggled some cords and perfected our format to bring you only the finest in podcastatory entertainment. And the premiere episode of season four has EVERYTHING… if by “everything” we mean the Bitches singing Hamilton show tunes, discussing the ethical practicalities of gun ownership, a minimum of 3-5 juvenile jokes related to poop and/or sex organs, and the terrible fake Wisconsin accents no one asked for.
Also… WE’RE ON YOUTUBE! That’s right, dear listeners/readers. This season you can consume the one and only Bitches Get Riches podcast in three ways: by listening on your favorite podcast streaming platform, scrolling down and reading the episode transcript, or by gazing in awe at our YouTube channel.
They’re calf-high brown leather with a one-inch heel that makes this short Bitch feel just a little more powerful. They’re the kind of boots you can wear with a dress, with leggings, with jeans—they’re exactly as dressy or as casual as you want. I got them almost five years ago for about $200.
Recently, the heels broke. I’d worn them down to the point that chunks of the sole had snapped off and gotten trapped inside the heel so they rattled when I walked. So I took them to a cobbler. $50 later, I had new, beautiful heels attached to my favorite boots. Good as new!
Now let me tell you about my last phone. It was a magical pocket-size computer that did everything from calculating tips to playing music to oversharing on social media. (Note: it did not call home often enough, which was a major design flaw as far as my mom’s concerned.) After three years, I noticed the battery failing. Soon it could barely hold a charge for a few hours, let alone all day.
I brought it in for repairs. And they told me that replacing the battery was so financially and technically inefficient that they simply… wouldn’t. But, they assured me, I could upgrade to a newer, better model for only $24.99! Per month, that is. Which is way cheaper than replacing the battery, promise!
I couldn’t get anyone to replace my phone battery. There was no cobbler-equivalent phone artisan wearing a leather apron and bifocals in a musty shop lovingly repairing old phones.
Out of options, I bought a new phone. And just to spite the fuckers, I paid the total cost up-front.
Years ago Kitty and I did an interview with Glen James from My Millennial Money, a podcast out of Australia that answers the question “Will I ever get tired of listening to men with Australian accents talk about everything from true crime to investing?” (And that answer, to be clear, is a resounding nar.) You should listen to it! It’s great!
At the end of our conversation, Glen hit us with a curveball. “What do you think of Afterpay?”
“I don’t know her,” said we. And Glen, who is clearly gifted with The Sight, answered cryptically, “Ah. So it hasn’t made it to the States yet. Good luck, mates.” And then we asked him to say “1999” and giggled incessantly.
Flash forward to the present. Not only have we now heard of buy now pay later apps like Afterpay… we fucking hate them. Which means it’s time for another installment of PiggyRailsAgainstaFinancialOutragefor2,000WordsOrSo.
Every month we poll our Patreon donors on what article topics they’d most like to see. And this month, the patrons have called for a rumble in the jungle, a date with fate, a coming to blows, fisticuffs, a fight to the death! That’s right, sportsfans, it’s time for another round of…
INVESTING DEATHMATCH!!!!!!
In this article series, we pit two investing concepts against each other and judge which one is better for you, the investor. Sometimes it’s a close fight. Other times it’s a full-on K.O. Either way, there will be blood (and gifs… lots of gifs). Whether it’s stocks vs. bonds or index funds vs. actively managed funds, the nerdy, analytical shrapnel will leave none unscathed!
Years ago I was a renter. It was… fine? Every year my rent went up. But I also wasn’t responsible for major plumbing or any complicated shit like that.
Then my husband Bear suggested we really needed to stop renting and buy a place. Which sounded super responsible and adult and I wanted no part of it. We argued. It was very romantic.
Around the same time, there was this politician who ran for mayor of New York City. His name was Jimmy McMillan and he started a brand new political party: The Rent Is Too Damn High Party. His slogan? “The rent is too damn high.” You gotta admire the straightforward simplicity.
And as our rent was raised yet again, I thought… he’s right! The rent is too damn high. And it’s only getting higher.
It’s that time of year again, Bitch Nation! SUMMER VACATION!
Long time devotees of the Bitches know that we take precisely two hiatuses (hiati? I’m a highly paid professional editor) every year: one in winter and one in summer. And our summer hiatus starts riiiiiight about… meow. So say good-bye to your Bitches for two whole weeks!
During the break we’ll be doing some richly deserved grape-eating and cabana-boy-gazing. Hah! Just kidding. As usual, we’ll use this time to work on the site and begin production on the next season of the podcast. Call it a “working vacation”—that most repugnant of contradictory terms.
Even though you won’t hear from us for two weeks, we won’t leave you empty-handed. Can’t have you getting bored or restless with no riveting personal finance content to keep you edutained! So of course this hiatus comes with homework.
Behold, the 2022 Bitches Get Riches Summer Reading List:
The stock market looks real ugly right now. The last six months have been some of the worst for the stock market in the last decades. The Nasdaq is down by 30%, the S&P 500 by over 20%, and the Dow Jones Industrial Average by 15%. It’s lookin’ like a crash, a recession, an “economic downturn”! Which, uh… isn’t pretty.
That’s why I’m choosing not to look!
Dr. Jones: Worst archaeologist ever, merely mediocre investor.
Because when I do look, it seems like aaaaall the gains I’ve earned by investing in the stock market have shriveled up like a scrotum on Hoth. It looks, in other words, like I’ve lost a lot of money.
But have I really? When the stock market crashes, do you really lose money?
This Bear Market (i.e., when the stock market plunges and investors start sweating bullets, not a charity auction event I’m sure is occurring somewhere this Pride Month) is scary stuff. It can be incredibly difficult to stick to a long-term investing strategy when it looks like you’re losing hundreds or even thousands day by day. Cutting your losses and pulling your money out of the stock market is a strong temptation.
For the record, we don’t recommend doing anything so hasty. But we also feel your pain! Which is why we’ve always recommended mitigating your risk by diversifying your investments. Remember our classic lesson about horcruxes and investment diversification? If not, go read it now. I’ll wait.
Welcome back! Today we’re introducing one of my favorite diversification horcruxes: small business investing—a lovely little option for the nervous stockholder looking for another way to grow their money outside of the stock market… while keeping their ethics intact.
If I had to rank all the things I love to do in my precious free time, where would opening a retirement account fall? Let me see, hmm… above a root canal, but below politely accepting a religious tract from a door-knocking missionary. (What can I say? Some of them have pretty nice artwork!)
Have you been procrastinating on opening your retirement account? Feeling lazy? Avoidant? Afraid of the paperwork? Feel like you’d rather use that money on stuff you need or want right now? Obviously, I feel you.
But buck up, son! I’m about to tell you why you can’t afford not to open a retirement account.
Wait… what’s a retirement account again?
To recap with a vast simplification: Americans have access to two main kinds of retirement accounts.
First, a 401(k)—or 403(b), if you work for a nonprofit—is a retirement fund facilitated by your employer. You set it up so they can take money directly out of your paycheck and squirrel it safely away for you to use when you’re terrorizing orderlies in the nursing home. That way you can focus on maintaining your record as Wheelchair Drag Race Champion of Shady Hills Retirement Community and not get distracted by petty financial concerns.
Pictured here: retirement goals.
Second, there’s IRAs (individual retirement accounts), both traditional and Roth. IRAs are very similar to 401(k)s, but they’re attached to you directly instead of your employer. There are other differences, but meh, they’re pretty minor. You can get acquainted with the finer points later.
Retirement accounts are powerful tools for growing wealth and stability for your future self. The trick is you have to opt into your retirement account. If you’re self-employed, or you work for a company that doesn’t offer 401(k)s, you need to go out and open your own IRA. And if you work for a company that offers 401(k)s, you need to sign up and voluntarily tell someone to NOT give you part of your paycheck every month.
As broke as you are right now, ignoring a perfectly good retirement fund is a terrible idea. Because if you do that, you’ll lose money in three different ways.
